I just woke up with the thought that the brain is like a net, as if the nueral network were literaly catching information out of the air. When we are born, thrust unexpectedly into the crazy world, we start frantically weaving this net, designing it as we go, to catch the few things that we're able to make sense of, to ignore all the rest. At first, this buisness of ignoring is the most important, since we're so overwhelmed with information. Then sometime around pueberty we have a working model of the world that mostly makes sense, even if it's woefully incomplete. We then spend the rest of our lives trying to unweave parts of or net, so that we can experience more directly more of the world we were so eager to filter out.

My back pain is not so poor a companion as one might think. I'm learning to appreciate it's hearkening call back into the moment. With my attention right there on the experience it's never unbearable. Just the opposite really, I usually stretch or twist or turn to somehow momentarily increase the sensation, as if I were saying to myself; this? is this all? no, surely the pain that's been calling so incessantly for my attention is more than this, wait, yes, okay, THAT hurts. Good.

Jason had invited me to get together with him and Erica last night. He said he'd come over by 5:30, but I got distracted playing Titan Quest and didn't realize that he hadn't shown up yet until 7:30. I called to ask what was up and it turns out he'd fallen asleep. He called the whole thing off and I felt relieved, disapointed, and irritated all at the same time. I had worked hard, ha, make that walked around alot for three hours or so doing the fire inspection for The Pines with Tony earlier in the day so I was beat and my back was screaming. I'd thought about cancelling myself and didn't. And that's the irritation peace; I hadn't really relaxed fully or made other plans because I thought I had this thing to do. Probably the only thing I would have changed is to smoke more weed though anyway.

So far today:

downloaded porn
watched two very hot scenes
wrote Keli a return email
wrote Roz a return email
read a few pages of Rice and Salt
tried to pay the sales tax but realized i don't have a complete printout for june and the tax is wrong for august
transfered music to my phone
wrote a journal entry

Interesting correlation: I feel I am as responsible for society and its doings as I feel myself to be a part of society. The more isolated and separate I feel myself to be the less responsible I feel for the idiotic choices of my society. This may mean that the more representative the government, the more I feel my voice will be heard, understood, and given its due, the more responsible I feel for larger doings in the world. The more responsible I feel, the more likely to take action. So, I didn't recycle because I felt powerless about ....

I find myself in strange territory, thinking that I am responsible for my own actions upon the earth no matter the outcome. That somehow, it does matter whether or not I recycle even if the effort is poorly organized and ineffective, and insignificant. It matters because my actions are my vote. My life is my vote. My example is my plea that others take up consideration for what seems important to me. And isn't this how I was convinced when no education, no commercials, no culture could convince me; by Keli's example. The most persuasive expression in my repertoire is the expression of my action, at least in part because action is difficult and cumbersome while words are cheap. Every life should be lived as an example for that person's most up to the moment thinking on how to best live a life. That's how I intend to live mine. In this way my effort can be directed toward outcome in only a symbolic way. My true aim is communication.

Sometimes it seems like the more significant events of my life fail to get written about. There was too much going on at summer camp for me to write while I was there, and I think I've avoided writing since because, obviously I can't write about anything else until after I've written about that. But then, obviously I can.

Last night I listened to "The Path to Tranquility" by the Dali Lama. I enjoyed it, but I was astounded to discover that I don't think much of the depth of the dali lama's understanding of reality. He seems like a really sweet guy; earnest and passionate about doing good, definitely an Eneagram 1, but I think I my own spiritual depth might be greater. Ironic then, that what I found most exciting and informative were the introductory "8 verses for disciplining the mind" which he himself has taken much inspiration from; the second verse of which is "When in the company of others I shall always consider myself the lowest of all and from the depth of my heart hold them dear and superior". This shocked me. And spoke to me. Why? Is the quest for status one of the roots of suffering? If desire is suffering then it seems clear that it is. And yet, why always consider myself the lowest? Why not just notice my own assesment of my own status without attachment? Could it be that this is just very hard to do? That I am so tricky with myself that this inquiry might be an endless loop, never reaching anything but doubt and more doubt about the accuracy of my assesment? To always consider oneself lowest might be the shortest path to the realization that the assessment of status does not matter. An instant short circuit to the "what is my status?" question. I had the thought that if I accept this practice, then I should emphasize the infinite beauty and wonder of the others, to feel myself the least among beings quite magnificent. Maybe this is the point. If I am the lowest, then I will want to lift everyone. And that feels good.

Last night I did some writing about the first verse, on paper. I'll go get it....

Okay, first, the eight verses in their entirety. I thought it was worthwhile to write them out by hand last night after I heard them, and I never do that, but now I'll type them out too.

THE EIGHT VERSES FOR DISCIPLINING THE MIND

Regarding all sentient beings as excelling even the wish-granting gem for accomplishing the highest aim, may I always hold them most dear.

When in the company of others I shall always consider myself the lowest of all and from the depth of my heart hold them dear and supreme.

Vigilant, the moment a delusion appears which endangers myself and others I shall confront and avert it without delay.

When I see beings of wicked nature overwhelmed by violent and negative actions and sufferings I shall hold such rare ones dear as if I have found a precious treasure.

When others, out of envy, treat me with abuse, insult me, or the like, I shall accept defeat and offer the victory to others.

When someone whom I have benefited and in whom I have great hopes gives me terrible harm, I shall regard him as my holy spiritual friend.

In short, both directly and indirectly, do I offer every benefit and happiness to all sentient beings, my mothers; may I secretly take upon myself all their harmful actions and sufferings.

May they not be defiled by the concepts of the eight profane concerns and, aware that all things are illusory, may they ungrasping be freed from bondage.

Current Location: Livingroom

Current Music: random

Things have been happening at the speed of life. I'm in strathmere sitting in the downstairs livingroom of the McCormac's at 8:30 int the morning. Dad just left for the gym while Mom is still sleeping. That's amazing, and I'm grateful for that small piece of independence for her. Rosie is out walking the dog.

Dad and I talked about business only a little this morning, but enough that I feel discouraged and worthless. The road out seems so long and hard.

Part of my discouragement might be the shape my body is in lately. Serious back pain almost all the time (I've taken to bumming darvasets from dad like they were cigarettes); another boil or pustule or whatever on my leg.

ast night I got cold and borrowed a sweatshirt and sweatpants from mom since I'd forgotten to bring anything warm. There was supposed to be a late night party, but I didn't want to go dressed like that. I sat in the livingroom to write and then to read for about three hours after dinner. The kitchen and the front porch both filled up with people who were talking, laughing, drinking. I wished I could escape the noise. I wished I could go home, but I'd told everyone I was staying until at least today, and I worried for mom's discomfort if I ran away.

Mom came in after a while to tell me I could be more social. To get me to take advantage of seeing all these people I hadn't seen in so long. She teased me that I didn't like them, and this felt uncomfortably close to the mark. I like them all fine: Sue, Dave, Walter, MaryAnne, Jenny and her husband Matt, Megan and her boyfriend Chris, Sandy and her friend. I have no problem with any of them, but neither did I have any interest in their conversations about jobs, money, shopping, how great it is to be white and American. I felt how strange they all find me, and I felt how long and difficult is the journey from where they live to where I live. The most basic assumptions of our cultures are different. I cannot go back, I cannot unsee what I have seen. I hate their implicit denial even if I understand it.

It's amazing how out of place I feel here. The drive here was delightful. I felt so open and peaceful and ready to engage with whatever was waiting for me. That's all gone now.

As soon as I arrived in strathmere and started talking with my family I started to despair. I always forget how much I've drifted from their ideology, their worldview. The return is painful. I get so much reinforcement from the people I surround myself with that it's easy to imagine that everybody thinks and feels as I do. I came here prepared for whatever reactions they had to me. It was my reactions to them that threw me. My sister just finished an interview for a position with a big drug company, selling drugs to doctors. Everyone was congratulating her and telling her how much money she'd make. I was as shocked and disturbed as if she'd just announced that she'd applied for a job as Satan's helper. I couldn't look at any of them. I stared out the window telling myself not to pick a fight.

When I got a chance to talk to my Mom alone I displayed a dazzling bit of projection, asking her how Sandy was doing and saying that she seemed hard and unhappy to me. Mom said she was doing great. That she was frustrated by her situation with Todd ( the boyfriend she left for abandoning her at a wedding but who has pursued her to get her back ever since) , but that she was happy. Then I asked her how I was doing. She said that I was running away from pressures, that I wanted to escape, that I was doing fair.

Dad woke up from his afternoon nap and mom went in to take hers and I got to have a conversation alone with him too. This was the best, most connecting conversation I had today despite an argument we got into about whether I should pay off him or the credit card debt first when I sell the business. He said that his only regret was pulling me out of Gainsville where I was happy. I found this really touching and big hearted of him. At one point, seemingly out of nowhere he told me about a letter he'd just gotten from a younger friend of his. The letter was a heartfelt thanks for the difference my father had made in his life; two pages of gratitude. Dad got a tear in his eye as he told me about it. The guy was the guy I hired to put in the carpet at Gail's. He was a crude, loudmouthed drunk, and to hear of his praise for my father and to see how he was moved by that praise made me very miserable. I can't wait to pay him the money I owe; though I got my first glimmer tonight that this won't be enough. I can pay him, and maybe I can even pay him more, but I can never go back and pay him on time.

I walked to Gar's house this afternoon, and I felt really uncomfortable the whole way. This is not the same place it was when I grew up. It got rich and cold somewhere along the way. I'm anxious to leave. When did I become so disgusted by wealth? These enourmous houses, convertable cars, fashionable people make me sick and afraid. I grew up here. Why do I feel like a pretender on these streets?

The beautiful yard, right on the bay that Garwood and I played on as kids is gone without a trace. In Its place is a monstrosity of a house that literally dwarfs the original which still sits next to it. The extravagance of that thing, while I know that Gar's mom will be slowly forced out of her more modest home by the ever rising taxes makes me sick. I just want to go home. I wish Gar was here. I miss him.

I'd like to do a documentry: Sex, Society, and Children

I wonder why it is that Nicaraguan homes are so ugly. I have hard time believing it simply a matter of poverty. Most of the people I met are poor in terms of material resources, but rich in liesure time; rich in hapiness and well-being. Is it only that they find their beauty out of doors, considering it the sole provice of nature? Is it that they don't care one way or the other about aesthetics, finding other diversions more rewarding? Or could it be that their homes are beautiful to them and it is only my own sense of aesthetics, culturally out of place, that calls them ugly?

Inspired designs can be achieved with simple materials. I don't know much about it, but I know that I've seen beautiful buildings built from little more than dirt and water. Have I mis-interpreted their lives? Have I assumed happiness and well-being where all around me are the signs of a culture depressed to the point of inaction? Really, what is going on here?

Last night Keli and Hany asked the family they've been staying with if I could spend the night too. They said yes and asked if we'd like an extra cot. I got to use my very limited spanish to tell her this was unnecessary. They also asked for me if Julio would be working on the new kitchen he's building and if I could help. They said yes and promised me luch too.

The bed was a piece of warped plywood with a thin but soft matress pad thrown on top, about the size of a double. The warp was right in the small of my back and I thought I'd never get comfortable, but I wouldn't switch when Keli asked if I wanted to. I wanted her to be in the middle, and eventually I got a decent nights sleep.

In the morning I woke up excited to work with Julio and wondering if he was already waiting for me. Keli had gone to sleep worrying that she hadn't brushed her teeth and it was the first thing she did when she woke up. I smoked a cigarette first, then brushed mine too. I wasn't exactly sure of the sink ettiquite, everyone in cental america seems to have these huge double-sided cement sinks, usually outdoors. The left side has the tap and a basin which remains full of water. I think I was supposed to dip water from this bason and pour it over my toothbrush on the other side, but the water had a stuffed bear and some other things floating in it, not to mention who knows what insects and their eggs. I wasn't about to put it in my mouth, so I used fresh water from the tap and just spit on the ground.

I got help asking when my help would be wanted for the kitchen and Julio said at 3. So Keli and I went for a morning coffee at Alavaro's, while Hany rested a while longer in bed.

We started talking about the dynamics of our very dark pot trip the night before. Hany had sat up and said that he was having a bad trip and asked Keli if she felt more of her energy going to me than to him. Keli, frustrated with this line of inquiry and not really wanting to play along, kept disengaging. She'd suggest that we go around in a circle talking or singing about how we felt, trying to demonstrate with a light hearted tune, when Hany wouldn't play along she wandered a few paces away to look at the stars. True to their continuing dynamic while I'm around, Hany interpreted this as a lack of care for him by Keli.

The days are so ful they are vanishing before I can record them. Yesterday morning we woke at casa de ________ and had breakfast. Then we played cards with the wager that the loser had to have sex with the winner. Luckily, I lost.

Afterward we walked the kilometer or so to Zopilote, the permaculture farm. The place was less communial than I'd imagined- more like a farm with a hostel. We stayed the night on the very uncomfortable cots of the dormitory then bummed around until lunch.

We had lunch at the cafe where we'd had dinner the night before. It was really just the house of this family. They put out a sign and lived off of cooking the ocasional meal for a passerby. We were the only customers we ever saw, and in fact the place had only two chairs. But the food (eggs with rice and beans for dinner, eggs with beans for lunch) was delicious and the prices were unbelievably cheap. Two full meals and three liters of tonya for dinner were about $7.50 for dinner and two meals and one liter of beer were $2.50 for lunch.

After lunch we started the five kilometer walk to Merida. We smoked a jay at the begining of this walk too and it was equally delightful. I would never have believed how much I enjoy walking, even, or maybe especially with a heavy backpack. I kept wondering about endorphins and whether or not I was experiencing a runner's high. I was, however, glad when Playa Volcan was in sight, since I was getting tired and the damned fan was getting heavy. It broke on the way and we had to strap it to the outside of the backpack I was carrying.

We fell into step with the eldest daughter of the family with whom Keli and Hany have been staying for the past two weeks. This was awkward as Keli didn't introduce me and didn't say much at all. Eventually I introduced myself for a tiny smile and an unenthusiastic reply. I asked Keli if she always talked so little with this girl and she said yes, but made a good faith effort to start a conversation, asking about school, homework, etc. The girls answers were one word, and I got the idea that she didn't want to talk. Keli did too and we walked the rest of the long way in lockstepped silence.

We put our bags down in the house and went off to Alviro's place in search of Hany. We found him resting in a hammock, surrounded by the sleeping Alviro and other sleeping tourists. His eyes were alight with joy at seeing Keli but he had not a second glance for me. This was the begining of a difficult evening.

We walked up to hotel oja where we had food and conversation. A local boy named Edwardo hung about and drew enough to be a good sport when Keli offered him her pad and pen, but I think what he really wanted was our leftover food and once he'd gotten that he went away.

Our conversation, or rather, my conversation with Hany, since Keli mostly hid her face in her drawing pad and remained silent, was about how and whether to broach the subject of our relationship and polyamory in general to the family. Hany had feeling about how this was to be done, but the most concrete ideas I could interpret from him were "gently" and "tacktfully". I was a little alarmed when he suggested that it would be innapropriate for Keli and I to kiss or hug until we'd had some conversation about it, but I was struggling to reach the deeper feeling that lay underneath.

After we payed our bill and started a little way toward the family's house I pointed out that it was getting late to find a place to stay for he night if I wasn't going to stay with the family. Keli and Hany both seemed to jump on this idea and we turned back around to make reservations for three for the night.

Hany still wanted Keli to go back to the family and say hello since they'd been asking about her, but we got involved in a heavy conversation about our reunion and how it was less than we'd all hoped for. I tried to express my own feelings of dissapointment that Hany didn't seem happy to see me and encourage him to express his own, but this resulted only in an expression of frustration that I seem

Yesterday we woke up at Hostel Azteka, strange place that it is with it's constant 80's sound track, expensive bar, big swimming pool, and cool sectioned dormitory with horribly uncomfortable beds. We had a breakfast of eggs, gallo pinto, queso blanco, and coffee and played some more rummy. Then we set out for Rivas again with all our bags.

As soon as we got there Keli opened up her umbrella, parasol style, right into my face without realizing it. I had to sidestep to get out of the way and a bicycle lorry ran right into me. Keli was oblivious to the whole scene and as I hurried to catch up to her, I saw her almost take out someone else with the spinning spokes of death. I took the umbrella from her and closed it up, telling her that her paras privleges were revoked. She was defiant though, and just opened it back up. Five minutes later a teenager in a white teeshirt had to leap out of her way and I tried again, laughing, but she said that people were responsible for themselves and could see where they were going.

We picked up the paint she wanted, and most importantly, the fan. The family that Keli and Hany are staying with have only one fan, and they've given over it's use to their guests. The woman is sorely missing it though and even after she made it known that she'd like it back Hany has been reluctant to give it up. Carrying that thing around over my shoulder became more and more rediculous as the day went on. We kept laughing imagining what all the people thought of a gringo backpacker travelling around with his own huge plug in fan. With the help of no less than three locals we managed to collapse the stand enough to fit the thing into the trunk of the taxi and we were off to the ferry from San Jorge to Omatepe.

Keli met some more travelers from the US on the ferry, one of whom whas from Louisianna. She had a bit of a crush on him when she wasn't fantasizing that he was an undercover cop trying to lure her into admitting that she'd bought some weed the day before. They invited us to hang out with them ad we figured we'd have a meal together since our bus wasn't for another hour after the ferry landed.

But when we were on land there was just enough time for brief introductions. They asked me what the fan was for and I said it was hot. Then they asked how much it was! Maybe they thought having a fan with you was a good idea. So, then our bus pulled up and we said goodbye and got on in a hurry. No time even for a pee break, which turned out to be a problem since we both really had to go and the bus trip was at least an hour. Eventually I got clear that I wouldn't make it and we got the bus to stop and let us off in Los Angeles.

We peed on the side of the road in front of a farmhouse with some kids peeping out at us through the bushes. An old woman came out to and spoke to us in a friendly manner. My idea was to fnd a restaurant and wait for the next bus, so we walked back along the town's main road to no avail. When we couldn't find anything more substantial than a pulperia (snack shop) we switched to Keli's plan which was to walk out of town, smoke a jay, and keep walking until we came across a bus or hitched a ride. This was a much better plan.

Even with Hany's enourmous backpack and the fan slung over my shoulder I felt like I could have walked forver. Keli and I fell into a roleplay imagining that flights to Mars were available for $200,000 or free for convicts ad that I wanted to go and wanted her and our unborn daughter to come with me. Not having the money even for myself my first plan was to get us thrown in jail. She wasn't up for this idea, imagining that too much could go wrong. She was concerned too about leaving her mother behind, and everyone else she knew. She retreated, saying that she got it, she understood, I should go if I wanted to go and that maybe she would follow. This wasn't good enough for me. I wanted her with me if there was any way I could have it and pressed her for the next step in determining whether that was possible. Was it a conversation with her mom that was neccessary? I said I could wait a year to find out whether she could come with me and she was disheartened. A year seemed like not much time to decide who to leave forever. The whole roleplay brought up some real and uncomfortable emotions. It was good practice.

I was almost sorry when a pickup pulled over for us without our ever even sticking out a thumb. We climbed into the back even though there were unused passenger seats in the cab, and there was no need even for discussion about where we were going as at that point there was only one road. I kept telling Keli how nice it was that they saw us walking and just stopped to pick us up. She asked if I'd noticed they were white. I hadn't. In fact, the pickup was a budget rental. Still a great experience, but not the insight into local culture I'd imagined.

After a few kilometers the pickup was flagged down by some local women and our drivers stopped for them too. They asked where we were going and we said up the road. They asked where the pickup was going and we said we didn't know. They laughed. One of the women got out shortly thereafter but the other stayed. I was confused by what happened next. Keli beat on the side of the pickup so they would let us out and I thought we were within walking distance of our destination, but we ran across the street and got on another bus. I had no idea where we were going and that was fine with me. I told Keli I wanted to leave all the decisions to her. I was really enjoying the trip.

The bus drove on roads of dirt and rock, so muddy now in the rainy season that l thought we might get stuck. We rode through kilometers of banana farms and I was overcome with the alienness of my surroundings. The flora looked like some Vietnamese battlefield, and who were these strange, dark people all around me? Was I really considering making this place my home? As we drove through little towns I thought that the only thing that made these people seem less primative than indigenous tribes were the cement and cinderblock houses they lived in. And what difference does that make, really? Do I really want a life so different from everything I've known? I was surprized to find that even though I was scared, scared for the first time, my fear dawning on me like something previously undiscoverd, my answer was yes. I do want this. At least to try it.

The bus brought us to Casa de Istam, a touristy and buggy if very nice hostel by Nicaraguan standards. The place is full of American backpackers, thougn we haven't really met any of them. I had a pricy steak dinner costing almost $4 and keli had a vegetable club sandwiche, which still had meat.

Over dinner we talked about the possibility of my leading workshops out of her parent's place in Louisianna, and about the boundries workshop I'll be doing at summer camp, and the ones I've done. This stirred something deep in Keli and she started to cry a little. I got that she missed me and felt the loss of missing out on these parts of my life. We finished off dinner quickly and made our way out to the beach where Keli could more comfortably give full expression to her tears. I was so touched I was almost embarassed, wanting to say: It's nothing, I haven't done anything yet, I'm just cutting my teeth. But she knows this, and she loves me, and she feels the loss of the experience. I can only be grateful.

It was so lovely on the beach, and our pot trip that afternoon had been so wonderful that we wanted to smoke again out on the beach. We found a shadowed spot on the soft sand and spread out Keli's sarong for a blanket. She lay with her head in my lap and we listened to the chorus of the night, the frogs, insects, bats, and birds, but above all the frogs. I think we could differentiate between individuals. We took turns mimicing the sounds and trying to identify each one. I could never tire of such a rich symphony.

When we'd drunk our fill of the night sounds we went back to our room to lie down. Keli let out a little moan or sigh everytime I touched her. This excited me and soon I had my head between her legs licking and sucking to her heavy breathing. I did this until she could take no more and then I put on a condom to fuck her. She came right away, but she was being so careful to be quiet for our neighbors (whom we could hear talking in the next room) that I didn't know it, and I rolled her on top of me to ride me into bliss. That was goodnight.

Today Keli and I went to Rivas to buy paint, but all the paint stores were closed because it was sunday. It was pouring rain and I was drenched to the bone and wading through ankle deep rainwater filled with garbage and sewage from the animals. We ate a late breakfast in one of the few Sodas that were open and sone crazy woman picked up Keli's silverware and threatened her with it on her way out. Keli couldn't understand what the woma said, so the whole incident was a mystery. I finally got some money changed, which was the most productive thing we managed with the trip.

When we got back to San Jorge we went straight to Hiro's place to pick up the pot Keli had asked him to get for her yesterday. We were a few hours later than we said we'd be, but no one seemed to mind. Hiro's friend Harold pulled up some rocking chairs and passed the time with us until Hiro came back from an errand on his bike. We helped him unload some scrap lumber he'd bought for the hut he's builing on his father's property, got the weed, and got invited back over for a late lunch at 3.

We spent the next three or four hours back at hostel Azteka sampling the weed Keli had just gotten and having stoned sex which left me with a pulsating whole body orgasm that knoked me out of this universe for a little while.

We were half an hour late to lunch at Hiro's, mostly bacause I was still feeling too high to want to go when the time came around. But again, no one seemed to mind. The lunch was a delicious vegitarian meal of rice, dal, and onions and potatoes. After the meal, we sat out on the front porch and shared our tobacco. Hiro dissapeared though and didn't come back out. Harold entertained us with some crazy stories about his life and childhood (the time he got drunk and rang the church bell, stealing fruit from the neighbor's yard, taking the horse cart to school in Managua) While Keli shared her art supplies with Hiro's two little girls. After a little while Keli spoke my mind, asking if I was ready to go back to the hostel and we left with a promise that if we went out to the bar in the evening we would drop by to pick them up.

Tasty as that lunch was it wasn't very filling and we stopped at the taco place on the way home so I could get some fried nicaraguan goodness to sit in my belly. We bought pre wrapped ice cream cones for the walk home that must have been five years old they were so soggy and freezer burned.

Back at the hostel we played rummy, drank a beer each, then I asked Keli if she wanted to come cuddle with me on the bed. She smiled and gave me a warm yes. In the bedroom I took of our clothes and we lie on the bed. I stroked her for a while, reveling in the smoothness and suppleness of her skin, in the glory of her female shape. After a while I put my mouth on the soft place between her thighs and listened to her little moans and sighs of pleasure. After a long while she manuvered me so that she could take my penis into her mouth too. I don't know what eternity we spent in this blissful state but I know that I was truly happy. In time she wanted more and I was happy to oblige. I sat up against the wall and she straddled me. Both of us hovered on the edge of orgasm, each taking turns asking with the eyes, the mouth, the hands for a moments stillness a moment more of this enourmous pleasure before it must end in the building explosion. After, I snored, then we went swimming.

It’s 11pm Friday night, and I’m back at Shalom mountain again after last week’s TBS. This is the work weekend, and I’m still getting my bearings. So many new faces, a different culture, and stranger still, so many familiar faces, without their familiar ecstatic expressions and costumes.

The drive here was beautiful. I spent the entire three hours in solitudinous bliss that I had been only barely aware that I was aching for. Having Rosie visit was wonderful and beautiful, as always, but also as always I was happy to be alone when she was gone. I wonder what that is in me that I can’t feel my freedom as fully as I’d like when anyone else is around. What am I protecting? Do I fear their disapproval? Is it only a relief not to have to choose between my love and my comforts?

Jamie is here with her oldest, her daughter, Emma. And Kristen is here with her son Keenan, of the same age. What’s more they’re all sharing a room together, and Jamie and Kristen seem to be bonding only a little slower than their children. Keenan went to bed early with a stomachache, and he’s been vomiting in his sleep, the poor guy.

As soon as I got here I went to work, first helping Annie cook scalloped potatoes, her contribution to the potluck (which I forgot all about and came unprepared for, as usual), then putting up siding on the house. The work felt great, and I was happy to find myself so useful.

Kristen asked if I wanted to lie down for a while after dinner, and I did. We went first to her room, but she was tense, expecting Keenan to burst in at any moment. So we moved up to my bed on the fourth floor. We took off our clothes and tried to ignore the people coming into and out of the room, but with only limited success. We started to have sex, but I was tired and Kristen was tense again, worrying about her motherly duties. We had a sweet, frank talk, cuddled some more, then went downstairs.

I went out on the porch to smoke a cigarette. Keenan soon joined to ask what I was doing. With some reluctance I showed him, but I was grateful for his curiosity and I was hoping that he liked me. I like him. I watched him thrice catch and release a big frog that lives in the little pond near where I was working on the siding.

What a crazy chain of events. Last night I was punching the boards of the bunk above my head in sheer frustration and despair. I couldn't bear another second of the pain of our beautiful four way relationship. I was disgusted by what I saw as the emotional weakness and self induldenge of our

Its only 11pm and it feels like 3am. Im drunk and sitting in the lobby of the bearded monkey, the hostel which we've barely left for two days. I had the most amazing and difficult conversation with Hany and Keli tonight. It was all about copyright law, and the coming age of information. Hany and I both became impassioned, and in the face of his antagonism I felt that I somehow managed to expess my vision and ideas in a way that was clearer and more practical than ever before. But I got no agreement, and lost even Keli who started out a proponent. She got really drunk too, and I felt her reaching for compromise, but i felt only hurt and dissapointed by this. She wanted us to go back to the room and make love, but I asked for time alone instead.

Now the whole thing feels silly. I have no real hope of changing the way things work on such a grand scale anyway. And no real passion to do the work neccessary to make the changes I see as possible. Why should it bother me not to have agreement about the potential for systems which will never be put into place anyway?

There is hope though, howver slim. In the technological arms race between the enforcers of intellectual property laws and piracy the pirates may yet win. They are at least keeping pace so far. I do have bit torrent. In this hostel there is a sign that reads "Like the music you are hearing?" and offers to burn copies for you at a reasonable price.

Hany, Keli and I are making plans to buy and run a hostel here in CA. This could be my future. This could be my life.

It's a strange day. I've had visitors non-stop for a while now. First Rosie stayed with me for a week, then Krysia for 3 days. She just left. Beth is coming over this afternoon, and Maria may be coming next week, which is when Gail gets home too. Robin and I have been shooting emails back and forth, missing dates to reconnect. Rosie wants to come back and bring Amy before I go away, and I want her to. I love these people so much but I'm feeling overwhelmed at the moment. I'm grateful for the few hours alone that are here now.

I'm all in an emotional roil about my trip back to Central America. Hany wants alone time with me and Kelly, and I'm heartsick to think of uninviting Maria and Brian, and heartsick to think of bulldozing over Hany's feelings. I should have planned better, sooner, communicated faster. Now there's all this time pressure on top of the interpersonal upheaval and I haven't even confirmed my own ticket yet, which means I'll have to pay a $50 rush fee. And I probably shouldn't go at all because the taxes are still not done, and I don't know how to explain some of the withdraws I made throught the year. I have them recorded as transfers, but the money never showed up in the other accounts and I've lost the reciepts, and I don't know what to do. Life seems to be living me at breakneck speed.

I had the most wonderful converstion with Gail last Thursday. I was cleaning up my mp3 files and came across a recording of one of her group NVC teleconference recordings that somehow got mixed in. I listedned to the whole hour and fifteen minutes, and by the end of it I felt so close to Gail that I called her to see how she was doing. We talked for an hour and a half, and it felt like the begining of our relationship when everything was so open and easy and wonderful. I wasn't afraid of triggering her and I was so curious about her life and so eager to reconnect. I just realized today that Maria's visit will overlap exactly with Gail's return and I wonder how each will feel about that.

I'm so dissapointed that Hany doesn't want Maria to come to Nicaragua, and I'm so awed by Keli's honesty with her emotions and eventual openess about it. I wrote both of them a long email this morning and cc'd Maria. What comes next? I just read Hany and Keli's loco blog for friends only and I'm feeling even more lost about being with them. All the drumming and painting and vocalizing that is moving them so seems foriegn and offputting to me. It would be great to have in the background, I guess, but it's not really my thing, and if no one is coming with me, what will I do while they jam? Listen, and try to wait patiently for something that's more engaging for me? Pull them out of it toward what I want to do? None of the options I can think of seem like good ones. Hany feels so closed to me, trying to control what comes to pass. Am I projecting? Resentful of my own dissapointment? perhaps.

Friday Krysia and Jason and I took the train into philly for lunch. We bummed around chinatown and had a good time. Saturday, Krysia and I took another train into NY city to bum around with Mark. It was a great day, very full. We had lunch in an Irish Pub, then wandered through the Asian art exhibit in the museum until it started to close. Then we took the train to hoboken and had a beautiful cuban dinner. We didn't get home until midnight. The night Krysia arrived we had fun, playful sex. She ejaculated so much we needed a rubber mat to protect the bed. We tried twice again after that , but the energy was just never there for me. Reluctantly, we moved on to other things. I'm grateful for the visit and the opportunity to reconnect anyway.

Rosie says that she wants to bring Amy when she comes to visit me next. She says that Amy likes me a lot. I wonder if this means she's attracted to me? I remember that I was to her. I loved her colored hair and darkling expression. I'll enjoy her company in any case, I remember her as sweet and interesting. I remember that I lover her colored hair. Was it green? I'm so blessed by the people in my life. Rosie is so amazing, and that she wants to bring her friends to be with me just fills me up. It expands our relationship somehow; deepens it; takes it out of the vacume.

I've discovered bit torrent, and now I'm obsessed. I've filled up all my hard drive space and I'm jonesing for more. I ordered a 300 gig external drive yesterday and I can't wait to get it. I haven't even watched anything I've downloaded yet, but it's like a help yourself buffet and I'm hungry.

We've been on the boat from Grenada to Isla Omatepe for something like four hours. We must be getting close. Hany and Keli are both impressed that I'm not seasick having been the only one of us who didn't take any dramamine. It hasn't really been that rocky though...we are travelling a lake afterall.

We've met a really interesting girl from Switzerland by the name of Camila (the l is silent). She's 21 years old and has been traveling alone throughout central america for the past three weeks. She intends to continue for three more months, ending up on the West coast of the US. What a fearless heart. I told her she must be very strong and she said no, I don't think so. I hope she stays at the same hostel as us. I'd love to talk with her more.

The dynamics between Hany, Keli, and I have been so rich. Yesterday, Hany almot left. These complex dynamics have been very hard for him. Before I arrived he felt his relationship with Keli going along smoothly all the time. They had their bumps and difficulties but it was easy to take these in stride. Now that I'm here his fears have been up and

Coming in live over the pirated WiFi of Cafe' DecArte in Grenada Nicaragua. I'm sitting in the café debating whether or not to order my fourth Toña, the local beer. The inernet café next door has an unsecured WiFi network, so Hany, Keli, and I have been taking advantage of the rare opportunity to email and blog for free. I'm glad I brought my phone even though it doesn't work as such. My time here has been wonderful. NJ already seems very far away. Keli and I had the most amazingly mind-blowing sex this morning, and that was after last nights adventures in the land of double penetration and double vag with Keli and Hany. Keli came really hard during the DP, but amazingly, was unaware that the double vag was happening! What a life I lead. I am truly blessed.

Yesterday we took a cart ride through town to the lakefront and back again. Confused the whole time about what was actually going on. Mostly we eat, drink, and wonder around without goals. This is exactly what I need.

Hanging out in the hotel room in Grenada. Keli took pictures of my butt with the boil, then I took the camera and got to wrestle Keli and Hany both for it. I eventually let them win, but they think this is just macho bragging. I emptied out a cigarette then mixed in tobacco and weed. Two hits off this and I'm feeling fine. Next we're off to hang out with drinks and play cards.

Hanging out in the hotel room in Grenada. Keli took pictures of my butt with the boil, then I took the camera and got to wrestle Keli and Hany both for it. I eventually let them win, but they think this is just macho bragging. I emptied out a cigarette then mixed in tobacco and weed. Two hits off this and I'm feeling fine. Next we're off to hang out with drinks and play cards.

Idiosincracies
We collect
Imagining that others
Need hooks on which to hang
Their love for us.

Yesterday I was a very bad boy. I played hookey when I had so very much work to do.

Today I drove out to the poconos to fix Uncle Ken and Aunt Jessica's alarm system. But it wasn't broken. We had a wonderful dinner and conversation though. On the way home I pulled a chad. Somehow I missed the turn and ended up a quarter of the way to pitsburg before I noticed. The two hour drive home took four hours, and I missed Gail which was the whole reason I didn't stay the night with Ken and Jessica. Ug.

I spent $100 I couldn't really afford on the most beutiful dinner with Gail tonight. It was like meeting her for the first time. And unlike. We were both gunshy; afraid of each other and of our relatioship, but it was really the most beautiful, open hearted meeting. We talked frankly, shring our fears, hopes and ambiguity about each other. I found my love for her tonight, but discovered sexual attraction to still be deeply buried. When I asked her what she wanted, with me, she started to cry and said that what she wanted, I didn't. Maybe thats true. What I want is freedom. I want to love her but only if I can manage it without constraint. Without self-imposed limitations based in a fear of hurting her or triggering her, or otherwise making my own life difficult.

I'm at the Haddon Township library, waiting for my turn at the computers so I can print the business registration certificate that all my school clients are asking for. Cat is waiting in the car, hopefuly holding back her straining bladder. Rosie's at my house doing who knows what.

I screwed up and accidentally scheduled visits from both Krysia and Maria at the same time. I'll be delighted if they both choose to come anyway and we can all spend the time together, but I'll be miserable if either chooses to be hurt or offended by my poor planning. I'm a little miserable now with the not knowing. I've left messages with each, asking that they call me, but no word yet.

I'm teetering back and forth between anxiety and peace today. It keeps coming upon me that I've not done what I should. That I've procrastinated and made a mess of things and will have to pay the consequences. There are no specifics attached to this feeling. It could be work, or relationships, or anything. But then I remember myself. There is no calamity here, for none is possible. I remember that what is, is; is and I can face it's challenge with joy and no fear of failure, for failure itself has no consequence.

I woke up feeling guilty about waking up after 8am, when i really should have been at work, now that Peg is gone. Yet I still haven't called to check the voicemail, or to check in with Tony.

I read my story to Rosie last night, and she seemed eager to hear it, but when I asked her what she thought she said that it seemed a little one-dimensional, and I've realized she's right. It's the characters. They're flat. I'm glad to have realized this, but a bit disheartened as well. I know it's something that will resolve itself as I continue to right, but it makes writing harder. I should learn to to ask for opinions until I've finished at least a first draft. Then I won't be torn between continuing the story and editig what I have.

Rosie and Jason and I have played 4 games of Settlers of Catan so far, and I've won three of them. I love the game while I'm playing, but afterward I've felt hollow. The same with the many hours Rosie and I spent playing Balder's Gate to it's conclusion over the past few days.

I feel like I just woke up from a three day nap. And I really did just sleep for 12.5 hours. I've been backslididng. It started with making my charactr for Joe's D&D campaign. I haven't played D&D but once or twice since college, and everything has changed. I got sucked in and spent hours and hours creating my character. More than 8. Then when I'd done that no one was free to play until Wednesday, so I was still hungry. I went out and bought some x-box role-playing games, and have literally sat in front of the TV for two days playing Demonstone and Baldur's Gate II. Gar came over yesterday and we played some balder's gate from the begining and somehow saved over my solo character. Also, I'd made plans to watch farscape with Gail at 5pm, and when the time came, Gar was there. I wasn't thinking of the fact that it was m last night with Gail, only that Gar had driven a ways to come over, and I told Gail I was sorry, but I'd forgotten and made plans with Gar. Gar left a couple hours later and I went over to see if Gail was still free. She wasn't. And she asked me to call before coming over from now on. Okay.

woke up to my alarm this morning, then went right back to sleep. Thinking about the work I have to do today; get the last of the tax info for Jim, the sales tax records, hopefully from the nj website, pay the snow emergency ticket I got with Hany's car a month ago, paychex, office work.

It is snowing outside! So much for spring. March is apparently bi-polar on top of everything else. How does that sayig go? Comes in like a lamb, goes out like a tiger?

I had the best time with Beth last night. She invited me over to read her journal to me, but then decided she wasn't in the mood. We made vegetarian chilly, then got into a sexy cuddle on the bed.

Best Guesses about how to have a Good Day (for me)

Meditate
Write something
Do some work
Play
Clean something
Talk to someone
Read something

woke up thinking about naked dating and creating a safe space to host naked dating.

I got sucked into Livejournal yesterday. Not even writing, just playing with settings and browsing people. After a productive morning at work I went home around lunchtime and logged on to live journal. The next thing i knew it was 12am and time for bed. I sent Rosie the excerpt I cut out of my journal, but she hasn't...wait ... just checked email, and she has responded, but only said she had thoughts about what I wrote and wondered if I wanted her to share them! Duh!

Thank God for spring. It's so fucking good to be comfortable outside.

Current Mood: sleepy

I finally broke down and wrote Keli, complaining about her not writing me for all this time. I got such a fast response that I feel stupid for not having asked for what I wanted sooner, but even so, I'm still feeling dissatisfied. I'm so happy she's having a good time, but I feel alone in this heartachy pining for her. Her life sounds so full, so complete. Do I want to be needed so badly? I thought I hated that. I do. What am I doing? Why would I want her to be lovesick for me? Am I so lonely?

I don't think I'm lonely at all! I had the most amazing time with Maria this weekend. I felt my heart opening to her so naturally and beautifully. I felt the way I did when I saw her at Summer Camp last year; full to bursting with appreciation for her gifts and compassion for her struggles, and no attachment at all. No me to be found anywhere in the picture, not afraid of getting entangled or of making implicit promises to be broken later, not afraid of breaking past promises, not wishing she could be different, just there. Just resting with my beautiful companion, Maria. I told her I loved her for the first time. We didn't talk about it being the first time we've said it, but it was, and it felt good and true and natural to say. It's funny, I know that Maria gets jealous, I know that she considers herself infatuated with me, and that this means struggles with jealousy are likely in our future, but I feel completely open and free with her. If she's jealous, she's jealous. I'll just love her anyway and not be controlled by fear of being responsible for her suffering. I feel really at peace and at home in this relationship.

I got to see Rosie too! It was a beautiful, if very short, visit. She greeted me at the door with a huge, trademark Rosie smile, and a warm hug. Just what I needed after the lukewarm reception I got from another girl who lives there when I rang the bell. Rosie took me up to her room and showed me her cool-ass rats, with their cool-ass disease-ridden names. The rats both have a respiratory disease, which sucks, but it makes them huff in the cutest way. Rosie has an enormous bedroom with a very cool chill-pad on the roof, complete with a beat-up swivel armchair scary enough to be an amusement park ride.

When we went back down to her room we made out for a while on her bed, then had sex for our sorta first time. This was sweet and good, but also somehow not as connecting as I craved- maybe because I was only with her for a few hours then gone, maybe because all the windows were unshaded and some were open and there were people out on the street, probably getting an eyeful, maybe because she wasn't that wet so I wasn't really convinced that she was as into it as she seemed to be, maybe because I came before I wanted to when she bit my shoulder, HARD. In any case, afterward we had just enough time to whip out calenders and plan a time for her to come visit me for a week before she had to go to work and I was saying an awkward "hello and goodbye" into the face of her 'surrogate mom' who may or may not have been wondering if Rosie and her much older friend had just had an afternoon bootiecall in her house.

The Summer Camp Weekend itself wasn't all that others have been. It was an almost wholly different crowd on Saturday as on Friday, almost no one was from summer camp, there was a seriously male gender bias, and there wasn't much in the way of planned activities. No seven minute dates, no closing circle, no hot tubbing. There was a forum, but I missed it for my date with Rosie. It was a great treat to see Nikki and David and their new baby, though I'm not sure David remembered me or really wanted the hello and goodbye hugs he accepted when I offered. Ironically, he made a better impression on me than he did at pre-camp though, maybe it's fatherhood, but he exuded this befuddled sort of gentleness that I really enjoyed. I wish I'd gotten to spend more time with Nikki, we had a few pleasant, brief exchanges, but not even enough intimacy to get over the awkwardness of seeing her with her (husband?/boyfriend?) and her new baby, let alone to recapture the sweetness that grew between us at camp.

I was really a lot more focused on the blossoming of my relationship with Maria than I was on the gathering. I found that most of the time I would have preferred to be alone with her even though there were lots of new and interesting people around that I would have liked to connect with. I'm confused and curious about Gustavo, who seems like such a mixed bag to me. On the one hand, I don't feel much trust for him. I get the impression that he'd prefer I wasn't with Maria at all, or Gail either for that matter. I don't think he approves of me much, at least not in relation to women. I don't like his controlling ways, or the way he seems to think of me as a rival rather than a partner- he doesn't even want me to stay at his house when he's there. On the other hand, I really like Gustavo! He's so much fun to hang out with. He's got a great sense of humor, a charismatic personality, we have tons of similar interests- computers, games, science fiction, etc. In short, we'd be natural friends if it weren't for his discomfort with our poly relations, or maybe, if I'm off-base, if it weren't for my perception of his discomfort.

I want to write more about my time with Maria, but Jason just called to say that Gail invited me over for a little tv and hanging out. I was planning to just go to bed, but suddenly this seems more attractive.

crazy dream

This got so tangled that it's already fading away...It involved Beth Maria and Gustavo. damn, i'm losing it. I somehow cheated with maria on gustavo, and he walked in and caught us inthe de tt to injury and completo add insul he act. We fought ans i beat him up a little right there in his own house. To add insult to injury and completely alienate everyone I accidentally said "goodnight Beth" to maria as I walked out the door. Something similarly awful had already happened with Beth earlier in the night, but now I've lost it completely.

Current Mood: confused

I got very drunk tonight. Just finished throwing up. And still managed to win a game a Age of Mythology played with Gar and Joe. I quit quiting smoking just as soon as I got home. Then quit again, maybe. What's the use. Brian saves and cheers me with his comments every time when I think, oh, god, I should keep this journal private. Thanks Brian. I'm still desperat to hear from Kelly, who still isn't writting, and I'm thinking alot about Eve, Dirdre, Rosie, Annie with whom I've fallen out of contact. Are they mad at me? Or am I just persuing old fears?

Did I think I was through with puking? Another 45 minutes with the toilet bowl just corrected that assumption. How much did I drink? I have no idea. 3 rum and cokes on the planes today... maybe 6 beers tonight? Thats alot, but spread out over he whole day I would have thought I'd be fine. Better to learn, Better to suffer.

Airport Blues

I'm awaiting lunch on the plane ride bac to NJ from FL. I had the important talk with Mom and Dad. I told them about wating to give them a say about what happens to the business and the realization that I've been pretty selfish about keeping the business after it wasn't really supporting the payments anymore. We argreed to give it up to another year to get back on track.

It's been a few hours since I started the first paragraph. Now I'm sitting in the Chicago airport, waiting for my flight home and wanting to cry. There were four messages waiting for me on my cell phone. Gar is picking me up from the airport. Tony wants me to call Mr. Pepper who wants to cancel his monitoring. Maria says Michael wanted to remind me that cat isn't welcome so I'll need a dog-sitter. That shouldn't hurt my feelings, but it does. Isn't welcome. That's the trigger. Not because Cat isn't , but because I'm not unless I find something to do with Cat. And who will I ask? I feel so shitty about always asking people to watch her. Maybe I need to find another home for her? Or stop going away more than once a month or so? I hate both ideas.

And where the fuck is Kelly. I have no right to feel lonely and abandoned when I'm so bad myself about staying in touch. But I don't often hurt this way, and maybe others do. Maybe I should think of feeling like this when I delay in getting back to someone.

Why do I feel so horrible? So lonely? I made a lunch date with Gail, but I don't know if things will ever work out between us. I don't know if I want them to. Do I still love her? What the fuck does that even mean? Or am I dissembling because I'm so afraid of a no.

Current Mood: depressed

Waking... head still ful ofconfused dreams. I invented a food that made one imortal and increased sex drive. The secret was too somehow combine one's own dna with i can't remember what the food was. amazing how quickly it slips away. it was a long dream and i remembered it when i first woke up... ok, back to sleep

Pete is playing guitar for jason and I. This morning I did paperwork for a few hours then went to the office to meet with Tony and do more paperwork. There seems to be no end to it and I'm still just managing bare maintainance. I still haven't managed to get the taxes paid for december, nor paid the back taxes or penalties that I've gotten notices for.

At 3 I waent over to Gar's house where we played his new board game Age of Mythology or something.

Then I came home to meet with Pete.

Yesterday I met Jason's sister and two of her friends,visiting from Vermont. I declined to go to New York with them and stayed home playing computer games all day. When they got back we payed a card game called phase 10 and I smoked with them. The weed was strong, if a little brutal with the dry mouth. I got so high it was all I could do to play the game and I felt disconnected from the conversation going on around me. These girls are hard partiers full of stories of drunken mayhem. The game involved a ridiculously complicated and unnecessary amount of score-keeping since the score only matters if there's a tie. I won the game mostly to get it over with. When they were gone I was still pleasantly buzzed and I danced alone in my room before bed.

This morning I awoke with a heart full of fear, because I never did the work I intended to do on friday, then throughout the weekend, and the computer and checkbooks which I'd promised to leave at the office for Tony are still untouched on my desk. Gar left me a message, he has the day off and wonders if I'd like to play Age of Mythology again. I would.

I'm so hungry for Keli. I miss her. I enjoy missing her. How long has it been since I've pined so? High school?

My attempts to throw away my pipe and quit smoking have resulted in numerous incidences of fishing that pipe out of the trash and filling it again. This morning I'm smoking the last of my tobacco, and I'm determined to buy no more.

What shall I do with this life? How better to live it? Is there more than distraction and momentary pleasure? If yes, why does it seem always to be a prospect for latter? What could I do right now? Is there no better, grander answer than my work? I go now to do the drudgery. Pay bills, face missed payments. Manage some semblance of management.

HAI Ball Angst

So, now I'm at the HAI Ball, and I'm discovering that its not the easy social night of relaxation that I was expecting. First I was attacked by social anxiety; every person I talked to seemed to become uncomfortable then excuse themselves. I wondered if I was being rebuked, if I just wanted more time for connection than was average in such situations, if I was projecting my own anxiety and it was making people want to leave. All this despite many obviously warm receptions, and numerous extravagant compliments.

The most extravagant of which is that Chris is here and has been telling me ...

...and there went her boyfriend since November walking by and asking what I'm doing out here. I just held up my phone as if that explained something. And it was good enough for him. If it hadn't been, what would I have said? Oh, I'm just feeling shitty because I have a crush on your girlfriend. And she's with you, and she lives in Boston, and I know there's no way to make it work even if she was available, but I can't seem to think of anything else right now.

Time Slips

I'm riding in the car with Beth, writing on my phone again. on my way to the HAI Ball. Time is slipping by and I can feel the clarity of my trip getting fuzzy. Worse, I can feel myself getting bored by my own stories, compressing them down into sentences to save brainspace; the weight of new events pressing in urgently, stealing vitality from what has gone before, however precious, however pleasant. So here's my last ditch effort to preserve what's left:

So, we went home with the drug dealer. This is not some ironic invocation of the stereotype, covering an aging hippie who likes to smoke weed. No, drug dealer barely begins to evoke the correct image of the physically threatening, emotionally fragile, inevitable train wreck of a man.

As soon as I walked in the door I was passed an empty sobe bottle with a hole drilled in the side. There was a joint sticking out of this hole. To my later regret, I took two big hits from this makeshift pipe. The weed was strong and it left me feeling paranoid and vulnerable in an unknown situation.

I was sitting on some steps next to Keli, trying to acclimate myself to the environment when the words being soken by our host started to filter through. He was talking about how the Jews controlled the media in the US, and how different the news was in countries that aren't controlled by Jews. I was too shocked to speak. This was my first time in the presence of a real live anti-semite. I think it was Aron who steered us out of the uncomfortable subject by agreeing that foreign news was really cool.

Next he started talking about the fags. How they were perverts who fucked babies. How he had joined the the white supremacists in jail just for safety. He striped off his shirt and showed off a huge swaztika tattoo that had been artfuly transmuted into the stem of a rose.

I'm loving the flexibility inherant in posting my journal entries from my phone. The instant feedback is nice too (thanks Brian!).

So, after spending two nights with our Myan host family in Guatamala (8 nights for everyone else) Cameron and Emily were ready to move on. They were planning to take a bus to Costa Rica the next day. I'd just arrived, but then, I'd also been to Guatemala before, and I really liked both Cameron and Emily right from the start, so I suggested that we just pack up and all drive to Costa Rica together. This idea was met by much approval from all. The only pre-requisite was that I get my return flight changed, which turned out to cost only 50 dollars.

There was another complication though. The group had picked up some fellow travelers along the way in the persons of Asher and Marisa, both of whom were really nice people making their way to a giant rainbow gathering in Brazil. The problem was that the consensus among Keli, Aron, Cameron, and Emily was that five people in the van was comfortable and seven was too much. No one wanted to say that they couldn't come, but no one wanted them to come either. It only made matters worse that our high-tail it to Costa Rica plan was perfect for them. I played my instigator role, insisting that there was nothing wrong with anyone's desires. I liked Asher and Marisa rignt from the start, but I didn't think it wise to act from obligation. In the end there were some minor emotional bruses, but we decided to part ways.
We didn't get very far, however. Our plan was to drive to Panahachel, drop off Asher and Marisa at a hotel (by this time they were both feeling pretty sick), and continue on to the beach to spend the night. Well, after an enourmous dinner of US style burgers, a few beers, and darkness coming on, we were no longer too keen to drive on to this unknown beach in the dark. Cameron ran across someone who offered a room for the night and some weed to share and we were all intrigued. What followed was the most uncomfortable night of my trip.

first entry

Okay, so after having a live journal account for over a year and never posting to it, I've decided to start. The impetus comes from having just had the paper journal that I've been keeping for the past five years stolen while traveling in Costa Rica (along with my backpack, wallet, clothes, all my credit cards, etc.). My hope is that this way I can never again loose all that effort.

The trip itself was quite an adventure right from the start. On the flight over I met a Guatemalan woman with whom I got to practice my Spanish and, to my amazement, my kissing. Marisella isn't the first married woman I've kissed, but she is the first without her husband's consent. We both knew this wasn't going anywhere after the flight, so I feel innocent enough about it, but what a welcome!

When we landed she was nervous about her husband seeing us together, so she waited on the plane until I'd left. I guess I'll never see her again. I feel some sadness that she'll have to hold the memory so privately; telling Keli all about it was the first thing I did when I got out of the airport.

It was so great to see Keli! She was easy to pick out of the crowd with her orange and blue hair, not to mention the relative lack of gringos. We sat outside for a couple hours talking and waiting to be picked up by the rest of the group.