Its only 11pm and it feels like 3am. Im drunk and sitting in the lobby of the bearded monkey, the hostel which we've barely left for two days. I had the most amazing and difficult conversation with Hany and Keli tonight. It was all about copyright law, and the coming age of information. Hany and I both became impassioned, and in the face of his antagonism I felt that I somehow managed to expess my vision and ideas in a way that was clearer and more practical than ever before. But I got no agreement, and lost even Keli who started out a proponent. She got really drunk too, and I felt her reaching for compromise, but i felt only hurt and dissapointed by this. She wanted us to go back to the room and make love, but I asked for time alone instead.

Now the whole thing feels silly. I have no real hope of changing the way things work on such a grand scale anyway. And no real passion to do the work neccessary to make the changes I see as possible. Why should it bother me not to have agreement about the potential for systems which will never be put into place anyway?

There is hope though, howver slim. In the technological arms race between the enforcers of intellectual property laws and piracy the pirates may yet win. They are at least keeping pace so far. I do have bit torrent. In this hostel there is a sign that reads "Like the music you are hearing?" and offers to burn copies for you at a reasonable price.

Hany, Keli and I are making plans to buy and run a hostel here in CA. This could be my future. This could be my life.

It's a strange day. I've had visitors non-stop for a while now. First Rosie stayed with me for a week, then Krysia for 3 days. She just left. Beth is coming over this afternoon, and Maria may be coming next week, which is when Gail gets home too. Robin and I have been shooting emails back and forth, missing dates to reconnect. Rosie wants to come back and bring Amy before I go away, and I want her to. I love these people so much but I'm feeling overwhelmed at the moment. I'm grateful for the few hours alone that are here now.

I'm all in an emotional roil about my trip back to Central America. Hany wants alone time with me and Kelly, and I'm heartsick to think of uninviting Maria and Brian, and heartsick to think of bulldozing over Hany's feelings. I should have planned better, sooner, communicated faster. Now there's all this time pressure on top of the interpersonal upheaval and I haven't even confirmed my own ticket yet, which means I'll have to pay a $50 rush fee. And I probably shouldn't go at all because the taxes are still not done, and I don't know how to explain some of the withdraws I made throught the year. I have them recorded as transfers, but the money never showed up in the other accounts and I've lost the reciepts, and I don't know what to do. Life seems to be living me at breakneck speed.

I had the most wonderful converstion with Gail last Thursday. I was cleaning up my mp3 files and came across a recording of one of her group NVC teleconference recordings that somehow got mixed in. I listedned to the whole hour and fifteen minutes, and by the end of it I felt so close to Gail that I called her to see how she was doing. We talked for an hour and a half, and it felt like the begining of our relationship when everything was so open and easy and wonderful. I wasn't afraid of triggering her and I was so curious about her life and so eager to reconnect. I just realized today that Maria's visit will overlap exactly with Gail's return and I wonder how each will feel about that.

I'm so dissapointed that Hany doesn't want Maria to come to Nicaragua, and I'm so awed by Keli's honesty with her emotions and eventual openess about it. I wrote both of them a long email this morning and cc'd Maria. What comes next? I just read Hany and Keli's loco blog for friends only and I'm feeling even more lost about being with them. All the drumming and painting and vocalizing that is moving them so seems foriegn and offputting to me. It would be great to have in the background, I guess, but it's not really my thing, and if no one is coming with me, what will I do while they jam? Listen, and try to wait patiently for something that's more engaging for me? Pull them out of it toward what I want to do? None of the options I can think of seem like good ones. Hany feels so closed to me, trying to control what comes to pass. Am I projecting? Resentful of my own dissapointment? perhaps.

Friday Krysia and Jason and I took the train into philly for lunch. We bummed around chinatown and had a good time. Saturday, Krysia and I took another train into NY city to bum around with Mark. It was a great day, very full. We had lunch in an Irish Pub, then wandered through the Asian art exhibit in the museum until it started to close. Then we took the train to hoboken and had a beautiful cuban dinner. We didn't get home until midnight. The night Krysia arrived we had fun, playful sex. She ejaculated so much we needed a rubber mat to protect the bed. We tried twice again after that , but the energy was just never there for me. Reluctantly, we moved on to other things. I'm grateful for the visit and the opportunity to reconnect anyway.

Rosie says that she wants to bring Amy when she comes to visit me next. She says that Amy likes me a lot. I wonder if this means she's attracted to me? I remember that I was to her. I loved her colored hair and darkling expression. I'll enjoy her company in any case, I remember her as sweet and interesting. I remember that I lover her colored hair. Was it green? I'm so blessed by the people in my life. Rosie is so amazing, and that she wants to bring her friends to be with me just fills me up. It expands our relationship somehow; deepens it; takes it out of the vacume.

I've discovered bit torrent, and now I'm obsessed. I've filled up all my hard drive space and I'm jonesing for more. I ordered a 300 gig external drive yesterday and I can't wait to get it. I haven't even watched anything I've downloaded yet, but it's like a help yourself buffet and I'm hungry.

We've been on the boat from Grenada to Isla Omatepe for something like four hours. We must be getting close. Hany and Keli are both impressed that I'm not seasick having been the only one of us who didn't take any dramamine. It hasn't really been that rocky though...we are travelling a lake afterall.

We've met a really interesting girl from Switzerland by the name of Camila (the l is silent). She's 21 years old and has been traveling alone throughout central america for the past three weeks. She intends to continue for three more months, ending up on the West coast of the US. What a fearless heart. I told her she must be very strong and she said no, I don't think so. I hope she stays at the same hostel as us. I'd love to talk with her more.

The dynamics between Hany, Keli, and I have been so rich. Yesterday, Hany almot left. These complex dynamics have been very hard for him. Before I arrived he felt his relationship with Keli going along smoothly all the time. They had their bumps and difficulties but it was easy to take these in stride. Now that I'm here his fears have been up and

Coming in live over the pirated WiFi of Cafe' DecArte in Grenada Nicaragua. I'm sitting in the café debating whether or not to order my fourth Toña, the local beer. The inernet café next door has an unsecured WiFi network, so Hany, Keli, and I have been taking advantage of the rare opportunity to email and blog for free. I'm glad I brought my phone even though it doesn't work as such. My time here has been wonderful. NJ already seems very far away. Keli and I had the most amazingly mind-blowing sex this morning, and that was after last nights adventures in the land of double penetration and double vag with Keli and Hany. Keli came really hard during the DP, but amazingly, was unaware that the double vag was happening! What a life I lead. I am truly blessed.

Yesterday we took a cart ride through town to the lakefront and back again. Confused the whole time about what was actually going on. Mostly we eat, drink, and wonder around without goals. This is exactly what I need.

Hanging out in the hotel room in Grenada. Keli took pictures of my butt with the boil, then I took the camera and got to wrestle Keli and Hany both for it. I eventually let them win, but they think this is just macho bragging. I emptied out a cigarette then mixed in tobacco and weed. Two hits off this and I'm feeling fine. Next we're off to hang out with drinks and play cards.

Hanging out in the hotel room in Grenada. Keli took pictures of my butt with the boil, then I took the camera and got to wrestle Keli and Hany both for it. I eventually let them win, but they think this is just macho bragging. I emptied out a cigarette then mixed in tobacco and weed. Two hits off this and I'm feeling fine. Next we're off to hang out with drinks and play cards.

Idiosincracies
We collect
Imagining that others
Need hooks on which to hang
Their love for us.

Yesterday I was a very bad boy. I played hookey when I had so very much work to do.

Today I drove out to the poconos to fix Uncle Ken and Aunt Jessica's alarm system. But it wasn't broken. We had a wonderful dinner and conversation though. On the way home I pulled a chad. Somehow I missed the turn and ended up a quarter of the way to pitsburg before I noticed. The two hour drive home took four hours, and I missed Gail which was the whole reason I didn't stay the night with Ken and Jessica. Ug.