I spent $100 I couldn't really afford on the most beutiful dinner with Gail tonight. It was like meeting her for the first time. And unlike. We were both gunshy; afraid of each other and of our relatioship, but it was really the most beautiful, open hearted meeting. We talked frankly, shring our fears, hopes and ambiguity about each other. I found my love for her tonight, but discovered sexual attraction to still be deeply buried. When I asked her what she wanted, with me, she started to cry and said that what she wanted, I didn't. Maybe thats true. What I want is freedom. I want to love her but only if I can manage it without constraint. Without self-imposed limitations based in a fear of hurting her or triggering her, or otherwise making my own life difficult.

I'm at the Haddon Township library, waiting for my turn at the computers so I can print the business registration certificate that all my school clients are asking for. Cat is waiting in the car, hopefuly holding back her straining bladder. Rosie's at my house doing who knows what.

I screwed up and accidentally scheduled visits from both Krysia and Maria at the same time. I'll be delighted if they both choose to come anyway and we can all spend the time together, but I'll be miserable if either chooses to be hurt or offended by my poor planning. I'm a little miserable now with the not knowing. I've left messages with each, asking that they call me, but no word yet.

I'm teetering back and forth between anxiety and peace today. It keeps coming upon me that I've not done what I should. That I've procrastinated and made a mess of things and will have to pay the consequences. There are no specifics attached to this feeling. It could be work, or relationships, or anything. But then I remember myself. There is no calamity here, for none is possible. I remember that what is, is; is and I can face it's challenge with joy and no fear of failure, for failure itself has no consequence.

I woke up feeling guilty about waking up after 8am, when i really should have been at work, now that Peg is gone. Yet I still haven't called to check the voicemail, or to check in with Tony.

I read my story to Rosie last night, and she seemed eager to hear it, but when I asked her what she thought she said that it seemed a little one-dimensional, and I've realized she's right. It's the characters. They're flat. I'm glad to have realized this, but a bit disheartened as well. I know it's something that will resolve itself as I continue to right, but it makes writing harder. I should learn to to ask for opinions until I've finished at least a first draft. Then I won't be torn between continuing the story and editig what I have.

Rosie and Jason and I have played 4 games of Settlers of Catan so far, and I've won three of them. I love the game while I'm playing, but afterward I've felt hollow. The same with the many hours Rosie and I spent playing Balder's Gate to it's conclusion over the past few days.

I feel like I just woke up from a three day nap. And I really did just sleep for 12.5 hours. I've been backslididng. It started with making my charactr for Joe's D&D campaign. I haven't played D&D but once or twice since college, and everything has changed. I got sucked in and spent hours and hours creating my character. More than 8. Then when I'd done that no one was free to play until Wednesday, so I was still hungry. I went out and bought some x-box role-playing games, and have literally sat in front of the TV for two days playing Demonstone and Baldur's Gate II. Gar came over yesterday and we played some balder's gate from the begining and somehow saved over my solo character. Also, I'd made plans to watch farscape with Gail at 5pm, and when the time came, Gar was there. I wasn't thinking of the fact that it was m last night with Gail, only that Gar had driven a ways to come over, and I told Gail I was sorry, but I'd forgotten and made plans with Gar. Gar left a couple hours later and I went over to see if Gail was still free. She wasn't. And she asked me to call before coming over from now on. Okay.

woke up to my alarm this morning, then went right back to sleep. Thinking about the work I have to do today; get the last of the tax info for Jim, the sales tax records, hopefully from the nj website, pay the snow emergency ticket I got with Hany's car a month ago, paychex, office work.

It is snowing outside! So much for spring. March is apparently bi-polar on top of everything else. How does that sayig go? Comes in like a lamb, goes out like a tiger?

I had the best time with Beth last night. She invited me over to read her journal to me, but then decided she wasn't in the mood. We made vegetarian chilly, then got into a sexy cuddle on the bed.

Best Guesses about how to have a Good Day (for me)

Meditate
Write something
Do some work
Play
Clean something
Talk to someone
Read something

woke up thinking about naked dating and creating a safe space to host naked dating.

I got sucked into Livejournal yesterday. Not even writing, just playing with settings and browsing people. After a productive morning at work I went home around lunchtime and logged on to live journal. The next thing i knew it was 12am and time for bed. I sent Rosie the excerpt I cut out of my journal, but she hasn't...wait ... just checked email, and she has responded, but only said she had thoughts about what I wrote and wondered if I wanted her to share them! Duh!

Thank God for spring. It's so fucking good to be comfortable outside.

Current Mood: sleepy

I finally broke down and wrote Keli, complaining about her not writing me for all this time. I got such a fast response that I feel stupid for not having asked for what I wanted sooner, but even so, I'm still feeling dissatisfied. I'm so happy she's having a good time, but I feel alone in this heartachy pining for her. Her life sounds so full, so complete. Do I want to be needed so badly? I thought I hated that. I do. What am I doing? Why would I want her to be lovesick for me? Am I so lonely?

I don't think I'm lonely at all! I had the most amazing time with Maria this weekend. I felt my heart opening to her so naturally and beautifully. I felt the way I did when I saw her at Summer Camp last year; full to bursting with appreciation for her gifts and compassion for her struggles, and no attachment at all. No me to be found anywhere in the picture, not afraid of getting entangled or of making implicit promises to be broken later, not afraid of breaking past promises, not wishing she could be different, just there. Just resting with my beautiful companion, Maria. I told her I loved her for the first time. We didn't talk about it being the first time we've said it, but it was, and it felt good and true and natural to say. It's funny, I know that Maria gets jealous, I know that she considers herself infatuated with me, and that this means struggles with jealousy are likely in our future, but I feel completely open and free with her. If she's jealous, she's jealous. I'll just love her anyway and not be controlled by fear of being responsible for her suffering. I feel really at peace and at home in this relationship.

I got to see Rosie too! It was a beautiful, if very short, visit. She greeted me at the door with a huge, trademark Rosie smile, and a warm hug. Just what I needed after the lukewarm reception I got from another girl who lives there when I rang the bell. Rosie took me up to her room and showed me her cool-ass rats, with their cool-ass disease-ridden names. The rats both have a respiratory disease, which sucks, but it makes them huff in the cutest way. Rosie has an enormous bedroom with a very cool chill-pad on the roof, complete with a beat-up swivel armchair scary enough to be an amusement park ride.

When we went back down to her room we made out for a while on her bed, then had sex for our sorta first time. This was sweet and good, but also somehow not as connecting as I craved- maybe because I was only with her for a few hours then gone, maybe because all the windows were unshaded and some were open and there were people out on the street, probably getting an eyeful, maybe because she wasn't that wet so I wasn't really convinced that she was as into it as she seemed to be, maybe because I came before I wanted to when she bit my shoulder, HARD. In any case, afterward we had just enough time to whip out calenders and plan a time for her to come visit me for a week before she had to go to work and I was saying an awkward "hello and goodbye" into the face of her 'surrogate mom' who may or may not have been wondering if Rosie and her much older friend had just had an afternoon bootiecall in her house.

The Summer Camp Weekend itself wasn't all that others have been. It was an almost wholly different crowd on Saturday as on Friday, almost no one was from summer camp, there was a seriously male gender bias, and there wasn't much in the way of planned activities. No seven minute dates, no closing circle, no hot tubbing. There was a forum, but I missed it for my date with Rosie. It was a great treat to see Nikki and David and their new baby, though I'm not sure David remembered me or really wanted the hello and goodbye hugs he accepted when I offered. Ironically, he made a better impression on me than he did at pre-camp though, maybe it's fatherhood, but he exuded this befuddled sort of gentleness that I really enjoyed. I wish I'd gotten to spend more time with Nikki, we had a few pleasant, brief exchanges, but not even enough intimacy to get over the awkwardness of seeing her with her (husband?/boyfriend?) and her new baby, let alone to recapture the sweetness that grew between us at camp.

I was really a lot more focused on the blossoming of my relationship with Maria than I was on the gathering. I found that most of the time I would have preferred to be alone with her even though there were lots of new and interesting people around that I would have liked to connect with. I'm confused and curious about Gustavo, who seems like such a mixed bag to me. On the one hand, I don't feel much trust for him. I get the impression that he'd prefer I wasn't with Maria at all, or Gail either for that matter. I don't think he approves of me much, at least not in relation to women. I don't like his controlling ways, or the way he seems to think of me as a rival rather than a partner- he doesn't even want me to stay at his house when he's there. On the other hand, I really like Gustavo! He's so much fun to hang out with. He's got a great sense of humor, a charismatic personality, we have tons of similar interests- computers, games, science fiction, etc. In short, we'd be natural friends if it weren't for his discomfort with our poly relations, or maybe, if I'm off-base, if it weren't for my perception of his discomfort.

I want to write more about my time with Maria, but Jason just called to say that Gail invited me over for a little tv and hanging out. I was planning to just go to bed, but suddenly this seems more attractive.

crazy dream

This got so tangled that it's already fading away...It involved Beth Maria and Gustavo. damn, i'm losing it. I somehow cheated with maria on gustavo, and he walked in and caught us inthe de tt to injury and completo add insul he act. We fought ans i beat him up a little right there in his own house. To add insult to injury and completely alienate everyone I accidentally said "goodnight Beth" to maria as I walked out the door. Something similarly awful had already happened with Beth earlier in the night, but now I've lost it completely.

Current Mood: confused

I got very drunk tonight. Just finished throwing up. And still managed to win a game a Age of Mythology played with Gar and Joe. I quit quiting smoking just as soon as I got home. Then quit again, maybe. What's the use. Brian saves and cheers me with his comments every time when I think, oh, god, I should keep this journal private. Thanks Brian. I'm still desperat to hear from Kelly, who still isn't writting, and I'm thinking alot about Eve, Dirdre, Rosie, Annie with whom I've fallen out of contact. Are they mad at me? Or am I just persuing old fears?

Did I think I was through with puking? Another 45 minutes with the toilet bowl just corrected that assumption. How much did I drink? I have no idea. 3 rum and cokes on the planes today... maybe 6 beers tonight? Thats alot, but spread out over he whole day I would have thought I'd be fine. Better to learn, Better to suffer.

Airport Blues

I'm awaiting lunch on the plane ride bac to NJ from FL. I had the important talk with Mom and Dad. I told them about wating to give them a say about what happens to the business and the realization that I've been pretty selfish about keeping the business after it wasn't really supporting the payments anymore. We argreed to give it up to another year to get back on track.

It's been a few hours since I started the first paragraph. Now I'm sitting in the Chicago airport, waiting for my flight home and wanting to cry. There were four messages waiting for me on my cell phone. Gar is picking me up from the airport. Tony wants me to call Mr. Pepper who wants to cancel his monitoring. Maria says Michael wanted to remind me that cat isn't welcome so I'll need a dog-sitter. That shouldn't hurt my feelings, but it does. Isn't welcome. That's the trigger. Not because Cat isn't , but because I'm not unless I find something to do with Cat. And who will I ask? I feel so shitty about always asking people to watch her. Maybe I need to find another home for her? Or stop going away more than once a month or so? I hate both ideas.

And where the fuck is Kelly. I have no right to feel lonely and abandoned when I'm so bad myself about staying in touch. But I don't often hurt this way, and maybe others do. Maybe I should think of feeling like this when I delay in getting back to someone.

Why do I feel so horrible? So lonely? I made a lunch date with Gail, but I don't know if things will ever work out between us. I don't know if I want them to. Do I still love her? What the fuck does that even mean? Or am I dissembling because I'm so afraid of a no.

Current Mood: depressed

Waking... head still ful ofconfused dreams. I invented a food that made one imortal and increased sex drive. The secret was too somehow combine one's own dna with i can't remember what the food was. amazing how quickly it slips away. it was a long dream and i remembered it when i first woke up... ok, back to sleep