I was just starting to rationalize again, think up new structures, new ways to arrange space, new plans and schedules about how Keli and Hany and I could better manage our time and find better ways to relate. Then Keli called and said, "My mom had a heart attack and died this morning."
I drove straight through the night to make it home about 24hrs later. On the drive I had plenty of time to get clear about my emotions. I drove the whole way in silence, without even the radio. I started out anxious, then all I wanted was to be supportive of Keli, and I felt grateful that there was something real to focus on, some way I could connect with Keli beyond our relational difficulties. But as I drove on, I started to get angry. Up until this point we'd talked only about what wasn't working for Keli and Hany, and how my actions (going away so much, being withdrawn and distant when I'm home) contributed to that. Now I was starting to discover that I had a few gripes of my own. I was sick of always waiting around for Keli, and sick of the lack of emotional space to be myself in our house, in our relationship. I was tired of feeling shoved aside, unwanted, an invader in my own home. Then I started blaming Hany. I reminded myself of all the times I'd supported his relationship with Keli, even when I felt treated badly. I felt betrayed, like Hany had fed on Keli's discontent at my being away, and convinced her that all she really wanted was to be with him.
By the time I arrived in Downsville I was out of it, wired with too much coffee and fuzzy from lack of sleep. No one greeted me when I pulled up. I went looking for Keli, and Joseph told me she was at her mom's apartment. Another woman was looking for Sue's apartment too, obviously wanting to convey her condolences. I showed her the way in and called out. A sleepy, puffy faced Keli came out of Sue's bedroom and into her living room. I got a casual, "hey, you're back" and Keli was hugging the stranger, crying on her shoulder while the woman said she knew how hard this must be for Keli. I felt confused. I was hurt by the casual greeting after I'd just driven all night long, but at the same time I was aware of how self-centered these emotions were in the face of Keli's tragedy. This whole drama just got worse as the funeral preparations got underway.
After a little while Keli came for a walk with me and we went down to the pyramid. I wanted to just put all our relationship stuff aside, but I was still reeling from the cold reception and Keli could sense how stiff I was. She convinced be to talk about it and I let her have it. Told her she wasn't a very good friend, that she never stuck up for me, that she sold me out to conciliate Hany. I got so mad i kicked over the big candle and it's wax smeared into the plywood wall. Keli just listened. I told her I was moving out. She cried a little, and asked me questions. I told her how pissed I was at Hany and she said I should confront him. But then she said she had to get back to her family and we went back up to the house.
The next morning I shouted at Hany. Blamed him for stealing Keli, accused him of stabbing me in the back, told him he had no loyalty. He cried and shouted back. Told me I didn't know what I was talking about, told me he'd only ever spoken well of me to Keli, tried to get her to understand me. Said I was just taking the easy road out by blaming him. Told me to look to my own self. I realized he was right and I apologized, but he railed on for another couple minutes before it sunk in that I wasn't shouting back anymore. We made the best peace we could, which felt like it was better than it had been in a long time. Keli came in to find us chatting amiably in the living room, and when we told her what had happened she almost cried with relief.
I wrote this poem for her:
I am a child,
Cake uneaten,
Crying because someone else
Got a bigger slice.
And you
(Wise mother)
Do not scold
Or berate me
But let your heart break
With the pain of my folly.
And live again,
Through me.
I am powerless
In the face of your love.
The gravity of stars is paltry.
Yours is more subtle
And further reaching.
Do the planets feel this way?
Heartbroken to be only satellites,
Eager to grow up,
Break free,
Roam the universe.
Desperate to be sucked in,
Annihilated,
Made one with you?
Do the stars watch,
Caught themselves in the same
Web of cosmic forces,
With your open hearted
Love?
I read it to her on the way to her ear doctor's appointment, and to my delight, she loved it. She'd been wanting me to write her a poem for a long time, and knowing that, I'd wanted to for a long time, but none had come before. I was glad of this one. I was glad too to be hanging out with her too, and I thought of all the times she'd asked me to go with her for this or that errand and I'd said no because I was involved in some computer game or tv show or pot haze. I thought of how living with Rosie for a while had encouraged me to get into life more, and how good it felt to bring this back into my relationship with Keli.
The viewing was hard. Really hard. I told myself that I was just there to say my own goodbye to Sue and be an emotional support for Keli, but I ended up feeling estranged and auxiliary; badly in need of support myself. Everyone kept asking who I was and I kept saying, "I'm a friend of Keli's". Relatives and friends were lining up to shake Hany's hand and offer their condolences to Keli's new husband. Sometimes, if I was standing next to Keli, people would ask her if I was her husband. "No," she'd say, "we're really close friends." This went on for more than four hours. I wanted my support to be more important to Keli than other peoples opinions. I wanted her to want to cry on my shoulder and share her grief with me. Instead she was "on" talking to all the family and friends who crawl out of the woodwork when someone dies. I was just hanging around feeling uncomfortable and sorry for myself.
The next day was devoted to preparations for the funeral, and I didn't see Keli much all day. I ran errands and tried to find ways to be helpful. Shelby got me to help with the printing and editing of the funeral program, and on the front cover I read, "Sue Bryan is survived by Keli Bryan and her husband Hany Nagib and Jeff Bryan and his wife Tempest Bryan". My heart dropped. Later that evening when I finally got to spend some time with Keli, she asked how I was doing. I said I didn't want to talk about it, but she encouraged me to do so anyway and we'd already talked about how all that time I spent dealing with my emotions privately had kept us distant, so I told her how I'd been feeling at the viewing and when I read the program. At first this went well. She said she could see how hard that would be, but then she started talking about how there was nothing she could do about it, and I got triggered. I said she could shout it to the world and let other people's opinions be damned, and she got mad. She was tired too, and decided to go to bed. I spent a lonely night in the bus trying to figure out where I'd gone wrong.
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