My life has come unmoored and I feel adrift. Sometimes this is exciting, a grand adventure, other times peaceful, a lazy float down the river. Now I am confused and impatient. Where am I going? What am I doing?

Yesterday Rosie and I went to Aron's house to discuss moving in, fixing up the house, and to meet Bill, a friend of Aron's who has taken on the reconstruction project. Bill was great, centered and honest and immediately smitten with Rosie. After he left Aron and I sat together on the roof talking about plans for the house, for little business ventures, for how to live together. I mentioned my credit card debt and my intention to get a job to start paying it off and Aron tried to offer to pay it for me but I couldn't get clear about what he wanted in return and I closed down, fearful. He sensed my closure and got triggered himself, replaying old conversations about saving the Earth and environmental activism. It was all very disconnecting.

On the way back to Rosie's house Paxus called and told me he had a four hour layover in the Philadelphia airport. Rosie bought us both tickets for the R1 and we went out to spend some time with him. On the way Rosie got a call from a boy that she'd met at the legalize marijuana march. This prompted me to share my fears about Rosie dropping me whenever a pretty boy was in sight. I told her that I wanted her to flirt and meet whoever she wanted to but that I also wanted to be acknowledged. That I sometimes felt dropped and taken for granted whenever a shiny new opportunity came along. Almost as soon as we got to the airport we found Pax and took a cab back into the city, giving up our round trip tickets on the R1.

Jason came over too and the four of us went out to Tangiers for drinks. After a while Rosie's friend Kelsie joined us too and we were having a great time drinking and laughing. Kelsie is amazing. Almost crazy in her strange mix of frank openness and inexperienced naivety. With only a third of a gin and juice for encouragement she was loudly proclaiming her dismay at her suspicion that she's bad at sex. So loudly in fact that the bartender started to comment and make her uncomfortable. I felt oddly charmed.

Pax caught a cab back to the airport and the rest of us made our way back to Rosie's apartment. We were having a wonderful time up in the bedroom, talking, cuddling, even reading poetry to each other. Then Rosie got another call on her cell phone. Her friends Tom and Howard were in the area and wanted to hang out. Rosie invited them over and hung up, but Kelsie, Jason and I weren't too keen on adding new members to our little party and said we wished we'd been included in the decision. So Rosie offered to call them back and tell them not to come. She called, but what came out of her mouth was that the friends she was with didn't want anymore company but sure, she'd come down and hang out with them for a little while. Just five minutes, a walk around the block. So Rosie got up and left Jason and Kelsie and me to go see her other friends. Five minutes became forty and Rosie brought them into the house, downstairs to keep them apart from us, but that just made it more awkward for me. I started to feel trapped. I wanted a smoke but didn't want to walk past them, these strangers who knew only that I was one of the folks who hadn't wanted them to come. I was pissed off and unable or unwilling to share that I was pissed off.

Even so, I was able to put those feelings aside pretty easily and enjoy the time with Kelsie and Jason. That all changed once Rosie came back and those two went home though. Rosie fell right asleep into a drunken Coma and I lay still in the dark, breathing hard. Rosie tried to cuddle me and I shrugged her off. I went downstairs to smoke. I tried to read but I couldn't concentrate. After about 45 minutes of trying unsuccessfully to process my emotions I went back upstairs and woke Rosie up. "Talk to me," I said.

I told her how I was feeling, and she started to cry. She tried to leave and I grabbed her. She tried to push me off, but I wouldn't let her go. "Stay, talk to me.," I kept saying. And she did. But then she got defensive and we fought. She started crying again and I reached out to hold her, but she pushed me away. This made me mad and I went back downstairs for another smoke and a sulk. When I went back up we made peace and snuggled up together. I'm always saying that jealousy is my favorite emotion, but I'm getting sick of myself. I don't want to be such a drama queen.