Pacing

Life has been whirring by at dizzying speed for months now. San Francisco with Roz, reuniting with John, meditation time at Harbin, then back to LA for separating spaces with Hany and splittng time with Keli, then off to visit Roz again in Connecticut. One sweet week of lovemaking then on to Rosie in Philadelphia, excitement, surprising depths of oceanic love, mind-blowig sex, old friends and connections wriggling out of the woodwork, plans to move to New Orleans with Keli and Hany, feeling closer as we work out the details, then the email from Keli with the expected limit of one night a week with me (you're making too much out of it, no I'm not, yes you are, shut up, leave it alone already) and the contraction of fear, what is this? what do I want? Mark and Michelline come to visit for ten days, but then three days in the dread phone call from Keli, "My mom had a heart attack and died this morning". Driving straight back to Downsville through the night without even the radio for company, my thoughts so loud they drown out everything else. Two and a half weeks of trying to let go and say goodbye, resentful that my departure is felt as a whimper and not a bang. Pouring out my love, only to find it chnged into some other love, not what I expected at all, something sticky and yellow and unrecognizable. Who are these people? Who have I become? Then back to Philadelphia, floating through life, unsure whats next, emotional roller coaster rides with Rosie over Howard, Pax, Mattick, god knows who else, then I', leading TBS- come learn Intimacy Skills from me! Ha! Ha! But it goes well mostly, and everyone is in love with everyone and I am healed, except that I'm starting to feel sick by the time I leave I have a cough that sounds like death. Drive home and sleep a little then two days of carrying heavy things through the rain feeling sicker and sicker all the while, and now I live at Aron's house where the walls are falling in and there is tension in the air along with the sweetness, and no one is helping me with these heavy boxes as I cough my way up the stairs and sleep in an unfamiliar bed in hopes that drywall will soon be put up in my sooon to be shared bedroom with Rosie but then Rosie is waking up at 2am to leave for her court date in Virginia and her 10 day visit to Davi and she's kissing me goodbye, and I'm back to sleep, only to wake now, in the late Wednesday morning to...nothing. The whirr has stopped. I'm suddenly still. Positively dizzy with stillness. What now? I don't know.