I spent $100 I couldn't really afford on the most beutiful dinner with Gail tonight. It was like meeting her for the first time. And unlike. We were both gunshy; afraid of each other and of our relatioship, but it was really the most beautiful, open hearted meeting. We talked frankly, shring our fears, hopes and ambiguity about each other. I found my love for her tonight, but discovered sexual attraction to still be deeply buried. When I asked her what she wanted, with me, she started to cry and said that what she wanted, I didn't. Maybe thats true. What I want is freedom. I want to love her but only if I can manage it without constraint. Without self-imposed limitations based in a fear of hurting her or triggering her, or otherwise making my own life difficult.

I'm at the Haddon Township library, waiting for my turn at the computers so I can print the business registration certificate that all my school clients are asking for. Cat is waiting in the car, hopefuly holding back her straining bladder. Rosie's at my house doing who knows what.

I screwed up and accidentally scheduled visits from both Krysia and Maria at the same time. I'll be delighted if they both choose to come anyway and we can all spend the time together, but I'll be miserable if either chooses to be hurt or offended by my poor planning. I'm a little miserable now with the not knowing. I've left messages with each, asking that they call me, but no word yet.

I'm teetering back and forth between anxiety and peace today. It keeps coming upon me that I've not done what I should. That I've procrastinated and made a mess of things and will have to pay the consequences. There are no specifics attached to this feeling. It could be work, or relationships, or anything. But then I remember myself. There is no calamity here, for none is possible. I remember that what is, is; is and I can face it's challenge with joy and no fear of failure, for failure itself has no consequence.

I woke up feeling guilty about waking up after 8am, when i really should have been at work, now that Peg is gone. Yet I still haven't called to check the voicemail, or to check in with Tony.

I read my story to Rosie last night, and she seemed eager to hear it, but when I asked her what she thought she said that it seemed a little one-dimensional, and I've realized she's right. It's the characters. They're flat. I'm glad to have realized this, but a bit disheartened as well. I know it's something that will resolve itself as I continue to right, but it makes writing harder. I should learn to to ask for opinions until I've finished at least a first draft. Then I won't be torn between continuing the story and editig what I have.

Rosie and Jason and I have played 4 games of Settlers of Catan so far, and I've won three of them. I love the game while I'm playing, but afterward I've felt hollow. The same with the many hours Rosie and I spent playing Balder's Gate to it's conclusion over the past few days.

I feel like I just woke up from a three day nap. And I really did just sleep for 12.5 hours. I've been backslididng. It started with making my charactr for Joe's D&D campaign. I haven't played D&D but once or twice since college, and everything has changed. I got sucked in and spent hours and hours creating my character. More than 8. Then when I'd done that no one was free to play until Wednesday, so I was still hungry. I went out and bought some x-box role-playing games, and have literally sat in front of the TV for two days playing Demonstone and Baldur's Gate II. Gar came over yesterday and we played some balder's gate from the begining and somehow saved over my solo character. Also, I'd made plans to watch farscape with Gail at 5pm, and when the time came, Gar was there. I wasn't thinking of the fact that it was m last night with Gail, only that Gar had driven a ways to come over, and I told Gail I was sorry, but I'd forgotten and made plans with Gar. Gar left a couple hours later and I went over to see if Gail was still free. She wasn't. And she asked me to call before coming over from now on. Okay.

woke up to my alarm this morning, then went right back to sleep. Thinking about the work I have to do today; get the last of the tax info for Jim, the sales tax records, hopefully from the nj website, pay the snow emergency ticket I got with Hany's car a month ago, paychex, office work.

It is snowing outside! So much for spring. March is apparently bi-polar on top of everything else. How does that sayig go? Comes in like a lamb, goes out like a tiger?

I had the best time with Beth last night. She invited me over to read her journal to me, but then decided she wasn't in the mood. We made vegetarian chilly, then got into a sexy cuddle on the bed.

Best Guesses about how to have a Good Day (for me)

Meditate
Write something
Do some work
Play
Clean something
Talk to someone
Read something

woke up thinking about naked dating and creating a safe space to host naked dating.

I got sucked into Livejournal yesterday. Not even writing, just playing with settings and browsing people. After a productive morning at work I went home around lunchtime and logged on to live journal. The next thing i knew it was 12am and time for bed. I sent Rosie the excerpt I cut out of my journal, but she hasn't...wait ... just checked email, and she has responded, but only said she had thoughts about what I wrote and wondered if I wanted her to share them! Duh!

Thank God for spring. It's so fucking good to be comfortable outside.

Current Mood: sleepy