My Love

Feo and I have been together for five years now. we just had sex for three and a half hours and it was one of the most amazing experiences of my life. I am still breathing hard and high on the euphoria. For the first time ever I dared to play with my submissive side of eroticism. I have played only a little with dominance and submission, and until tonight, only with the dominant side of the equation. I was always told that I was a natural. That I was good at it. Now I know why, and next time I'll be a thousand times better at it.

There is a freedom in giving over control to someone else that is so liberating, so completely, unabashedly selfish, so... pleasurable, that I have no words for it. I wanted to cry with pleasure so many times. I felt so good, so relaxed, so able to experience my own pleasure. Normally, during sex, during any interaction really, there is a complex system of deception and second guessing that's going on all the time. I kiss her and she moans, and I wonder if that means she's enjoying it, or only that she wants me to think that she's enjoying it. So I look for other clues. Her pulse, the wetness of her sex, her willingness to make eye contact. Even during the most intimate of times I am trying desperately to understand what is going on for her. She kisses me and I moan, and I don't know myself whether it's out of enjoyment or eagerness to communicate enjoyment. I am always trying to manipulate her into pleasure and happiness. I do well in romantic relationships because I am a master manipulator. I am a pleasure engineer.

This was different. For once, I just let her have her own pursuit of happiness and pleasure. I let myself be completely in my own experience, and I found that there was more physical and emotional pleasure available than I had ever known. I was emotionally abused as a child. My fathers anger was huge and frightening and unpredictable. I learned to keep sophisticated emotional tabs on him, and everyone else around me so that I could keep myself safe. So that i could predict and disarm the explosion before most people knew one was coming. Always fearing an attack, I have never really trusted anyone, during sex or otherwise, enough to let my tabs slip. To NOT BOTHER keeping up with what anybody else was feeling.

Tonight I trusted Feo enough to just let her have all the responsibility for both of our pleasure. The resultant stores of attention that were freed in the process were mindbogglingly extensive. I used them all on myself. I used all my attention to find out what I liked. Then I just let her have it. I have never loved and trusted anyone enough to do this before. Feonix, you are amazing. I trust you to enjoy me. I trust you to find me attractive. I trust you to care about my pleasure. You have opened doors for me that are changing my life. Thank you.