I spent $100 I couldn't really afford on the most beutiful dinner with Gail tonight. It was like meeting her for the first time. And unlike. We were both gunshy; afraid of each other and of our relatioship, but it was really the most beautiful, open hearted meeting. We talked frankly, shring our fears, hopes and ambiguity about each other. I found my love for her tonight, but discovered sexual attraction to still be deeply buried. When I asked her what she wanted, with me, she started to cry and said that what she wanted, I didn't. Maybe thats true. What I want is freedom. I want to love her but only if I can manage it without constraint. Without self-imposed limitations based in a fear of hurting her or triggering her, or otherwise making my own life difficult.