I finally broke down and wrote Keli, complaining about her not writing me for all this time. I got such a fast response that I feel stupid for not having asked for what I wanted sooner, but even so, I'm still feeling dissatisfied. I'm so happy she's having a good time, but I feel alone in this heartachy pining for her. Her life sounds so full, so complete. Do I want to be needed so badly? I thought I hated that. I do. What am I doing? Why would I want her to be lovesick for me? Am I so lonely?

I don't think I'm lonely at all! I had the most amazing time with Maria this weekend. I felt my heart opening to her so naturally and beautifully. I felt the way I did when I saw her at Summer Camp last year; full to bursting with appreciation for her gifts and compassion for her struggles, and no attachment at all. No me to be found anywhere in the picture, not afraid of getting entangled or of making implicit promises to be broken later, not afraid of breaking past promises, not wishing she could be different, just there. Just resting with my beautiful companion, Maria. I told her I loved her for the first time. We didn't talk about it being the first time we've said it, but it was, and it felt good and true and natural to say. It's funny, I know that Maria gets jealous, I know that she considers herself infatuated with me, and that this means struggles with jealousy are likely in our future, but I feel completely open and free with her. If she's jealous, she's jealous. I'll just love her anyway and not be controlled by fear of being responsible for her suffering. I feel really at peace and at home in this relationship.

I got to see Rosie too! It was a beautiful, if very short, visit. She greeted me at the door with a huge, trademark Rosie smile, and a warm hug. Just what I needed after the lukewarm reception I got from another girl who lives there when I rang the bell. Rosie took me up to her room and showed me her cool-ass rats, with their cool-ass disease-ridden names. The rats both have a respiratory disease, which sucks, but it makes them huff in the cutest way. Rosie has an enormous bedroom with a very cool chill-pad on the roof, complete with a beat-up swivel armchair scary enough to be an amusement park ride.

When we went back down to her room we made out for a while on her bed, then had sex for our sorta first time. This was sweet and good, but also somehow not as connecting as I craved- maybe because I was only with her for a few hours then gone, maybe because all the windows were unshaded and some were open and there were people out on the street, probably getting an eyeful, maybe because she wasn't that wet so I wasn't really convinced that she was as into it as she seemed to be, maybe because I came before I wanted to when she bit my shoulder, HARD. In any case, afterward we had just enough time to whip out calenders and plan a time for her to come visit me for a week before she had to go to work and I was saying an awkward "hello and goodbye" into the face of her 'surrogate mom' who may or may not have been wondering if Rosie and her much older friend had just had an afternoon bootiecall in her house.

The Summer Camp Weekend itself wasn't all that others have been. It was an almost wholly different crowd on Saturday as on Friday, almost no one was from summer camp, there was a seriously male gender bias, and there wasn't much in the way of planned activities. No seven minute dates, no closing circle, no hot tubbing. There was a forum, but I missed it for my date with Rosie. It was a great treat to see Nikki and David and their new baby, though I'm not sure David remembered me or really wanted the hello and goodbye hugs he accepted when I offered. Ironically, he made a better impression on me than he did at pre-camp though, maybe it's fatherhood, but he exuded this befuddled sort of gentleness that I really enjoyed. I wish I'd gotten to spend more time with Nikki, we had a few pleasant, brief exchanges, but not even enough intimacy to get over the awkwardness of seeing her with her (husband?/boyfriend?) and her new baby, let alone to recapture the sweetness that grew between us at camp.

I was really a lot more focused on the blossoming of my relationship with Maria than I was on the gathering. I found that most of the time I would have preferred to be alone with her even though there were lots of new and interesting people around that I would have liked to connect with. I'm confused and curious about Gustavo, who seems like such a mixed bag to me. On the one hand, I don't feel much trust for him. I get the impression that he'd prefer I wasn't with Maria at all, or Gail either for that matter. I don't think he approves of me much, at least not in relation to women. I don't like his controlling ways, or the way he seems to think of me as a rival rather than a partner- he doesn't even want me to stay at his house when he's there. On the other hand, I really like Gustavo! He's so much fun to hang out with. He's got a great sense of humor, a charismatic personality, we have tons of similar interests- computers, games, science fiction, etc. In short, we'd be natural friends if it weren't for his discomfort with our poly relations, or maybe, if I'm off-base, if it weren't for my perception of his discomfort.

I want to write more about my time with Maria, but Jason just called to say that Gail invited me over for a little tv and hanging out. I was planning to just go to bed, but suddenly this seems more attractive.