It's a strange day. I've had visitors non-stop for a while now. First Rosie stayed with me for a week, then Krysia for 3 days. She just left. Beth is coming over this afternoon, and Maria may be coming next week, which is when Gail gets home too. Robin and I have been shooting emails back and forth, missing dates to reconnect. Rosie wants to come back and bring Amy before I go away, and I want her to. I love these people so much but I'm feeling overwhelmed at the moment. I'm grateful for the few hours alone that are here now.
I'm all in an emotional roil about my trip back to Central America. Hany wants alone time with me and Kelly, and I'm heartsick to think of uninviting Maria and Brian, and heartsick to think of bulldozing over Hany's feelings. I should have planned better, sooner, communicated faster. Now there's all this time pressure on top of the interpersonal upheaval and I haven't even confirmed my own ticket yet, which means I'll have to pay a $50 rush fee. And I probably shouldn't go at all because the taxes are still not done, and I don't know how to explain some of the withdraws I made throught the year. I have them recorded as transfers, but the money never showed up in the other accounts and I've lost the reciepts, and I don't know what to do. Life seems to be living me at breakneck speed.
I had the most wonderful converstion with Gail last Thursday. I was cleaning up my mp3 files and came across a recording of one of her group NVC teleconference recordings that somehow got mixed in. I listedned to the whole hour and fifteen minutes, and by the end of it I felt so close to Gail that I called her to see how she was doing. We talked for an hour and a half, and it felt like the begining of our relationship when everything was so open and easy and wonderful. I wasn't afraid of triggering her and I was so curious about her life and so eager to reconnect. I just realized today that Maria's visit will overlap exactly with Gail's return and I wonder how each will feel about that.
I'm so dissapointed that Hany doesn't want Maria to come to Nicaragua, and I'm so awed by Keli's honesty with her emotions and eventual openess about it. I wrote both of them a long email this morning and cc'd Maria. What comes next? I just read Hany and Keli's loco blog for friends only and I'm feeling even more lost about being with them. All the drumming and painting and vocalizing that is moving them so seems foriegn and offputting to me. It would be great to have in the background, I guess, but it's not really my thing, and if no one is coming with me, what will I do while they jam? Listen, and try to wait patiently for something that's more engaging for me? Pull them out of it toward what I want to do? None of the options I can think of seem like good ones. Hany feels so closed to me, trying to control what comes to pass. Am I projecting? Resentful of my own dissapointment? perhaps.
Friday Krysia and Jason and I took the train into philly for lunch. We bummed around chinatown and had a good time. Saturday, Krysia and I took another train into NY city to bum around with Mark. It was a great day, very full. We had lunch in an Irish Pub, then wandered through the Asian art exhibit in the museum until it started to close. Then we took the train to hoboken and had a beautiful cuban dinner. We didn't get home until midnight. The night Krysia arrived we had fun, playful sex. She ejaculated so much we needed a rubber mat to protect the bed. We tried twice again after that , but the energy was just never there for me. Reluctantly, we moved on to other things. I'm grateful for the visit and the opportunity to reconnect anyway.
Rosie says that she wants to bring Amy when she comes to visit me next. She says that Amy likes me a lot. I wonder if this means she's attracted to me? I remember that I was to her. I loved her colored hair and darkling expression. I'll enjoy her company in any case, I remember her as sweet and interesting. I remember that I lover her colored hair. Was it green? I'm so blessed by the people in my life. Rosie is so amazing, and that she wants to bring her friends to be with me just fills me up. It expands our relationship somehow; deepens it; takes it out of the vacume.
I've discovered bit torrent, and now I'm obsessed. I've filled up all my hard drive space and I'm jonesing for more. I ordered a 300 gig external drive yesterday and I can't wait to get it. I haven't even watched anything I've downloaded yet, but it's like a help yourself buffet and I'm hungry.
I'm all in an emotional roil about my trip back to Central America. Hany wants alone time with me and Kelly, and I'm heartsick to think of uninviting Maria and Brian, and heartsick to think of bulldozing over Hany's feelings. I should have planned better, sooner, communicated faster. Now there's all this time pressure on top of the interpersonal upheaval and I haven't even confirmed my own ticket yet, which means I'll have to pay a $50 rush fee. And I probably shouldn't go at all because the taxes are still not done, and I don't know how to explain some of the withdraws I made throught the year. I have them recorded as transfers, but the money never showed up in the other accounts and I've lost the reciepts, and I don't know what to do. Life seems to be living me at breakneck speed.
I had the most wonderful converstion with Gail last Thursday. I was cleaning up my mp3 files and came across a recording of one of her group NVC teleconference recordings that somehow got mixed in. I listedned to the whole hour and fifteen minutes, and by the end of it I felt so close to Gail that I called her to see how she was doing. We talked for an hour and a half, and it felt like the begining of our relationship when everything was so open and easy and wonderful. I wasn't afraid of triggering her and I was so curious about her life and so eager to reconnect. I just realized today that Maria's visit will overlap exactly with Gail's return and I wonder how each will feel about that.
I'm so dissapointed that Hany doesn't want Maria to come to Nicaragua, and I'm so awed by Keli's honesty with her emotions and eventual openess about it. I wrote both of them a long email this morning and cc'd Maria. What comes next? I just read Hany and Keli's loco blog for friends only and I'm feeling even more lost about being with them. All the drumming and painting and vocalizing that is moving them so seems foriegn and offputting to me. It would be great to have in the background, I guess, but it's not really my thing, and if no one is coming with me, what will I do while they jam? Listen, and try to wait patiently for something that's more engaging for me? Pull them out of it toward what I want to do? None of the options I can think of seem like good ones. Hany feels so closed to me, trying to control what comes to pass. Am I projecting? Resentful of my own dissapointment? perhaps.
Friday Krysia and Jason and I took the train into philly for lunch. We bummed around chinatown and had a good time. Saturday, Krysia and I took another train into NY city to bum around with Mark. It was a great day, very full. We had lunch in an Irish Pub, then wandered through the Asian art exhibit in the museum until it started to close. Then we took the train to hoboken and had a beautiful cuban dinner. We didn't get home until midnight. The night Krysia arrived we had fun, playful sex. She ejaculated so much we needed a rubber mat to protect the bed. We tried twice again after that , but the energy was just never there for me. Reluctantly, we moved on to other things. I'm grateful for the visit and the opportunity to reconnect anyway.
Rosie says that she wants to bring Amy when she comes to visit me next. She says that Amy likes me a lot. I wonder if this means she's attracted to me? I remember that I was to her. I loved her colored hair and darkling expression. I'll enjoy her company in any case, I remember her as sweet and interesting. I remember that I lover her colored hair. Was it green? I'm so blessed by the people in my life. Rosie is so amazing, and that she wants to bring her friends to be with me just fills me up. It expands our relationship somehow; deepens it; takes it out of the vacume.
I've discovered bit torrent, and now I'm obsessed. I've filled up all my hard drive space and I'm jonesing for more. I ordered a 300 gig external drive yesterday and I can't wait to get it. I haven't even watched anything I've downloaded yet, but it's like a help yourself buffet and I'm hungry.
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