Yesterday I met Jason's sister and two of her friends,visiting from Vermont. I declined to go to New York with them and stayed home playing computer games all day. When they got back we payed a card game called phase 10 and I smoked with them. The weed was strong, if a little brutal with the dry mouth. I got so high it was all I could do to play the game and I felt disconnected from the conversation going on around me. These girls are hard partiers full of stories of drunken mayhem. The game involved a ridiculously complicated and unnecessary amount of score-keeping since the score only matters if there's a tie. I won the game mostly to get it over with. When they were gone I was still pleasantly buzzed and I danced alone in my room before bed.

This morning I awoke with a heart full of fear, because I never did the work I intended to do on friday, then throughout the weekend, and the computer and checkbooks which I'd promised to leave at the office for Tony are still untouched on my desk. Gar left me a message, he has the day off and wonders if I'd like to play Age of Mythology again. I would.

I'm so hungry for Keli. I miss her. I enjoy missing her. How long has it been since I've pined so? High school?

My attempts to throw away my pipe and quit smoking have resulted in numerous incidences of fishing that pipe out of the trash and filling it again. This morning I'm smoking the last of my tobacco, and I'm determined to buy no more.

What shall I do with this life? How better to live it? Is there more than distraction and momentary pleasure? If yes, why does it seem always to be a prospect for latter? What could I do right now? Is there no better, grander answer than my work? I go now to do the drudgery. Pay bills, face missed payments. Manage some semblance of management.