I just arrived at the heart of now retreat. Rosie and some of the other participants are hot tubbing down below my second floor bedroom and I can hear Rosie's telling her "oh the trauma" story at full volume. I always feel a little uncomfortable when she tells it. She sounds mean making fun of the fifth grade fat kid with the funny voice. She just came back up to the room now so I'll tell her what I've written and go to sleep.
Wednesday, March 14, 2007
After much prompting from friends and family I'm finally at the doctor's office again. Really it was the pain of my most recent pustule that got me in here. My chin is very swollen, but so uniformly that I just look like someone else...someone with a bigger chin, rather than like someone with a deformity, which is more how I feel. The swelling reaches all the way up into my lower lip and gums, making it painful to talk. I decided to try a dermatologist this time, we'll see if they can help or if this is just more good money after bad.
Rosie is here with me. She has a study day off from school and she drove me here so I wouldn't have to worry about parking. I'm glad to have her with me. We tried reading Abhorsen in the waiting room, but I couldn't concentrate for fear of disturbing the other patients.
John Longendorfer, the devil-angel who wants to buy my business called me yesterday. He says the reason his deposit check bounced is because he was the victim of identity theft, which is bullshit, and that the deal is still on, which I fervently hope isn't. Tony didn't show up for work yesterday and didn't call, again. I talked to him today though and he is supposedly straightening things out with our irate customers. The bills are piling up and I can't pay them all. I really hope this deal goes through and puts all these problems solidly in my past.
Keli and Hany are having little domestic disputes down in LA which only make me miss them more.
Monday, August 14, 2006
I just woke up with the thought that the brain is like a net, as if the nueral network were literaly catching information out of the air. When we are born, thrust unexpectedly into the crazy world, we start frantically weaving this net, designing it as we go, to catch the few things that we're able to make sense of, to ignore all the rest. At first, this buisness of ignoring is the most important, since we're so overwhelmed with information. Then sometime around pueberty we have a working model of the world that mostly makes sense, even if it's woefully incomplete. We then spend the rest of our lives trying to unweave parts of or net, so that we can experience more directly more of the world we were so eager to filter out.
Friday, August 11, 2006
My back pain is not so poor a companion as one might think. I'm learning to appreciate it's hearkening call back into the moment. With my attention right there on the experience it's never unbearable. Just the opposite really, I usually stretch or twist or turn to somehow momentarily increase the sensation, as if I were saying to myself; this? is this all? no, surely the pain that's been calling so incessantly for my attention is more than this, wait, yes, okay, THAT hurts. Good.
Jason had invited me to get together with him and Erica last night. He said he'd come over by 5:30, but I got distracted playing Titan Quest and didn't realize that he hadn't shown up yet until 7:30. I called to ask what was up and it turns out he'd fallen asleep. He called the whole thing off and I felt relieved, disapointed, and irritated all at the same time. I had worked hard, ha, make that walked around alot for three hours or so doing the fire inspection for The Pines with Tony earlier in the day so I was beat and my back was screaming. I'd thought about cancelling myself and didn't. And that's the irritation peace; I hadn't really relaxed fully or made other plans because I thought I had this thing to do. Probably the only thing I would have changed is to smoke more weed though anyway.
Jason had invited me to get together with him and Erica last night. He said he'd come over by 5:30, but I got distracted playing Titan Quest and didn't realize that he hadn't shown up yet until 7:30. I called to ask what was up and it turns out he'd fallen asleep. He called the whole thing off and I felt relieved, disapointed, and irritated all at the same time. I had worked hard, ha, make that walked around alot for three hours or so doing the fire inspection for The Pines with Tony earlier in the day so I was beat and my back was screaming. I'd thought about cancelling myself and didn't. And that's the irritation peace; I hadn't really relaxed fully or made other plans because I thought I had this thing to do. Probably the only thing I would have changed is to smoke more weed though anyway.
Thursday, August 10, 2006
Friday, July 28, 2006
Interesting correlation: I feel I am as responsible for society and its doings as I feel myself to be a part of society. The more isolated and separate I feel myself to be the less responsible I feel for the idiotic choices of my society. This may mean that the more representative the government, the more I feel my voice will be heard, understood, and given its due, the more responsible I feel for larger doings in the world. The more responsible I feel, the more likely to take action. So, I didn't recycle because I felt powerless about ....
I find myself in strange territory, thinking that I am responsible for my own actions upon the earth no matter the outcome. That somehow, it does matter whether or not I recycle even if the effort is poorly organized and ineffective, and insignificant. It matters because my actions are my vote. My life is my vote. My example is my plea that others take up consideration for what seems important to me. And isn't this how I was convinced when no education, no commercials, no culture could convince me; by Keli's example. The most persuasive expression in my repertoire is the expression of my action, at least in part because action is difficult and cumbersome while words are cheap. Every life should be lived as an example for that person's most up to the moment thinking on how to best live a life. That's how I intend to live mine. In this way my effort can be directed toward outcome in only a symbolic way. My true aim is communication.
I find myself in strange territory, thinking that I am responsible for my own actions upon the earth no matter the outcome. That somehow, it does matter whether or not I recycle even if the effort is poorly organized and ineffective, and insignificant. It matters because my actions are my vote. My life is my vote. My example is my plea that others take up consideration for what seems important to me. And isn't this how I was convinced when no education, no commercials, no culture could convince me; by Keli's example. The most persuasive expression in my repertoire is the expression of my action, at least in part because action is difficult and cumbersome while words are cheap. Every life should be lived as an example for that person's most up to the moment thinking on how to best live a life. That's how I intend to live mine. In this way my effort can be directed toward outcome in only a symbolic way. My true aim is communication.
Sometimes it seems like the more significant events of my life fail to get written about. There was too much going on at summer camp for me to write while I was there, and I think I've avoided writing since because, obviously I can't write about anything else until after I've written about that. But then, obviously I can.
Last night I listened to "The Path to Tranquility" by the Dali Lama. I enjoyed it, but I was astounded to discover that I don't think much of the depth of the dali lama's understanding of reality. He seems like a really sweet guy; earnest and passionate about doing good, definitely an Eneagram 1, but I think I my own spiritual depth might be greater. Ironic then, that what I found most exciting and informative were the introductory "8 verses for disciplining the mind" which he himself has taken much inspiration from; the second verse of which is "When in the company of others I shall always consider myself the lowest of all and from the depth of my heart hold them dear and superior". This shocked me. And spoke to me. Why? Is the quest for status one of the roots of suffering? If desire is suffering then it seems clear that it is. And yet, why always consider myself the lowest? Why not just notice my own assesment of my own status without attachment? Could it be that this is just very hard to do? That I am so tricky with myself that this inquiry might be an endless loop, never reaching anything but doubt and more doubt about the accuracy of my assesment? To always consider oneself lowest might be the shortest path to the realization that the assessment of status does not matter. An instant short circuit to the "what is my status?" question. I had the thought that if I accept this practice, then I should emphasize the infinite beauty and wonder of the others, to feel myself the least among beings quite magnificent. Maybe this is the point. If I am the lowest, then I will want to lift everyone. And that feels good.
Last night I did some writing about the first verse, on paper. I'll go get it....
Okay, first, the eight verses in their entirety. I thought it was worthwhile to write them out by hand last night after I heard them, and I never do that, but now I'll type them out too.
THE EIGHT VERSES FOR DISCIPLINING THE MIND
Regarding all sentient beings as excelling even the wish-granting gem for accomplishing the highest aim, may I always hold them most dear.
When in the company of others I shall always consider myself the lowest of all and from the depth of my heart hold them dear and supreme.
Vigilant, the moment a delusion appears which endangers myself and others I shall confront and avert it without delay.
When I see beings of wicked nature overwhelmed by violent and negative actions and sufferings I shall hold such rare ones dear as if I have found a precious treasure.
When others, out of envy, treat me with abuse, insult me, or the like, I shall accept defeat and offer the victory to others.
When someone whom I have benefited and in whom I have great hopes gives me terrible harm, I shall regard him as my holy spiritual friend.
In short, both directly and indirectly, do I offer every benefit and happiness to all sentient beings, my mothers; may I secretly take upon myself all their harmful actions and sufferings.
May they not be defiled by the concepts of the eight profane concerns and, aware that all things are illusory, may they ungrasping be freed from bondage.
Last night I listened to "The Path to Tranquility" by the Dali Lama. I enjoyed it, but I was astounded to discover that I don't think much of the depth of the dali lama's understanding of reality. He seems like a really sweet guy; earnest and passionate about doing good, definitely an Eneagram 1, but I think I my own spiritual depth might be greater. Ironic then, that what I found most exciting and informative were the introductory "8 verses for disciplining the mind" which he himself has taken much inspiration from; the second verse of which is "When in the company of others I shall always consider myself the lowest of all and from the depth of my heart hold them dear and superior". This shocked me. And spoke to me. Why? Is the quest for status one of the roots of suffering? If desire is suffering then it seems clear that it is. And yet, why always consider myself the lowest? Why not just notice my own assesment of my own status without attachment? Could it be that this is just very hard to do? That I am so tricky with myself that this inquiry might be an endless loop, never reaching anything but doubt and more doubt about the accuracy of my assesment? To always consider oneself lowest might be the shortest path to the realization that the assessment of status does not matter. An instant short circuit to the "what is my status?" question. I had the thought that if I accept this practice, then I should emphasize the infinite beauty and wonder of the others, to feel myself the least among beings quite magnificent. Maybe this is the point. If I am the lowest, then I will want to lift everyone. And that feels good.
Last night I did some writing about the first verse, on paper. I'll go get it....
Okay, first, the eight verses in their entirety. I thought it was worthwhile to write them out by hand last night after I heard them, and I never do that, but now I'll type them out too.
THE EIGHT VERSES FOR DISCIPLINING THE MIND
Regarding all sentient beings as excelling even the wish-granting gem for accomplishing the highest aim, may I always hold them most dear.
When in the company of others I shall always consider myself the lowest of all and from the depth of my heart hold them dear and supreme.
Vigilant, the moment a delusion appears which endangers myself and others I shall confront and avert it without delay.
When I see beings of wicked nature overwhelmed by violent and negative actions and sufferings I shall hold such rare ones dear as if I have found a precious treasure.
When others, out of envy, treat me with abuse, insult me, or the like, I shall accept defeat and offer the victory to others.
When someone whom I have benefited and in whom I have great hopes gives me terrible harm, I shall regard him as my holy spiritual friend.
In short, both directly and indirectly, do I offer every benefit and happiness to all sentient beings, my mothers; may I secretly take upon myself all their harmful actions and sufferings.
May they not be defiled by the concepts of the eight profane concerns and, aware that all things are illusory, may they ungrasping be freed from bondage.
Current Location: Livingroom
Current Music: random
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