Feo and I have been together for five years now. we just had sex for three and a half hours and it was one of the most amazing experiences of my life. I am still breathing hard and high on the euphoria. For the first time ever I dared to play with my submissive side of eroticism. I have played only a little with dominance and submission, and until tonight, only with the dominant side of the equation. I was always told that I was a natural. That I was good at it. Now I know why, and next time I'll be a thousand times better at it.
There is a freedom in giving over control to someone else that is so liberating, so completely, unabashedly selfish, so... pleasurable, that I have no words for it. I wanted to cry with pleasure so many times. I felt so good, so relaxed, so able to experience my own pleasure. Normally, during sex, during any interaction really, there is a complex system of deception and second guessing that's going on all the time. I kiss her and she moans, and I wonder if that means she's enjoying it, or only that she wants me to think that she's enjoying it. So I look for other clues. Her pulse, the wetness of her sex, her willingness to make eye contact. Even during the most intimate of times I am trying desperately to understand what is going on for her. She kisses me and I moan, and I don't know myself whether it's out of enjoyment or eagerness to communicate enjoyment. I am always trying to manipulate her into pleasure and happiness. I do well in romantic relationships because I am a master manipulator. I am a pleasure engineer.
This was different. For once, I just let her have her own pursuit of happiness and pleasure. I let myself be completely in my own experience, and I found that there was more physical and emotional pleasure available than I had ever known. I was emotionally abused as a child. My fathers anger was huge and frightening and unpredictable. I learned to keep sophisticated emotional tabs on him, and everyone else around me so that I could keep myself safe. So that i could predict and disarm the explosion before most people knew one was coming. Always fearing an attack, I have never really trusted anyone, during sex or otherwise, enough to let my tabs slip. To NOT BOTHER keeping up with what anybody else was feeling.
Tonight I trusted Feo enough to just let her have all the responsibility for both of our pleasure. The resultant stores of attention that were freed in the process were mindbogglingly extensive. I used them all on myself. I used all my attention to find out what I liked. Then I just let her have it. I have never loved and trusted anyone enough to do this before. Feonix, you are amazing. I trust you to enjoy me. I trust you to find me attractive. I trust you to care about my pleasure. You have opened doors for me that are changing my life. Thank you.
Friday, April 30, 2010
Monday, April 26, 2010
What now?
The first step toward happiness is acceptance. The fist step toward acceptance is to know who you are. Not who you will be, not who you're working toward. Not who you someday might be, but who you are. If you can't see your own self clearly, bad teeth, pot belly, bald spot and all, well then, brother, your lost.
This doesn't mean you have to give up where you're going; what your striving for, who you hope to be. No, all of that is necessary. Without it, well, brother, your lost. What it does mean is that you can't hide behind where you're going anymore. The first step of acceptance is knowing yourself as you are. Knowing yourself as you are is the first step to taking a goddamn step down the path of who you want to be. These days when it's hard to find the courage to dream anymore, you have to find the courage to go past dreaming and take a goddamn step. If you smoke too much, if you drink too much, if you're too lazy: don't refuse to look there just because you're afraid you might make peace with it. Those who make peace with it rarely regret having done so. If you can make peace with it, fuck the road to happiness, just dwell in it.
If you can't make peace with it. Dwell in the discomfort of that lack of peace. Burn in it. If you don't move from there, something will burn up, I promise you. The something will be your resistance. You're resistance to what, I don't know. If it's your resistance to making peace, well then fuck yeah, just read the preceding paragraph again, huh? If it's your resistance to the effort well then, fuck yeah, it's about time isn't it? Want to be a professor? Get the fuck back in school. Want to design websites? Write books? Dreams don't write themselves. Too much work? Then go back to the question of peace with who you are. Those are the only two answers. Stop avoiding the question.
This doesn't mean you have to give up where you're going; what your striving for, who you hope to be. No, all of that is necessary. Without it, well, brother, your lost. What it does mean is that you can't hide behind where you're going anymore. The first step of acceptance is knowing yourself as you are. Knowing yourself as you are is the first step to taking a goddamn step down the path of who you want to be. These days when it's hard to find the courage to dream anymore, you have to find the courage to go past dreaming and take a goddamn step. If you smoke too much, if you drink too much, if you're too lazy: don't refuse to look there just because you're afraid you might make peace with it. Those who make peace with it rarely regret having done so. If you can make peace with it, fuck the road to happiness, just dwell in it.
If you can't make peace with it. Dwell in the discomfort of that lack of peace. Burn in it. If you don't move from there, something will burn up, I promise you. The something will be your resistance. You're resistance to what, I don't know. If it's your resistance to making peace, well then fuck yeah, just read the preceding paragraph again, huh? If it's your resistance to the effort well then, fuck yeah, it's about time isn't it? Want to be a professor? Get the fuck back in school. Want to design websites? Write books? Dreams don't write themselves. Too much work? Then go back to the question of peace with who you are. Those are the only two answers. Stop avoiding the question.
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
How Sex Became My Spirituality
I am not a sex addict. I am a sex master. My ego tells me that I must not say this; that this is bragging and shouldn't be allowed. My rational mind tells me that this is the simple truth. Ha! But I know better. That voice too is my ego, posing as my rational mind. Whatever; my ego (posing as my rational mind) tells me that this is simple fact: I have had more sex, and better sex than I have been led to believe I should have by my experience of others and my culture. Its' all ego. I know that. Because every voice I can hear within myself is ego. That's what ego is: the voice. That I can assign it a voice, proves that it is ego. I am the assigner, not the assigned. Whatever; in any case, I am a master of sex. What makes me a master of sex is not knowing how to please a woman. (Of course not: It's knowing how to listen to a woman: to learn what pleases her). No, it's not that either. What makes me a sex master is that sex is something you learn by doing it and I have put in many, many, hours learning. What inspired me to write this was a three and a half hour masturbation session I just had. I was in ecstasy the whole time.
Now my ego tells a different story: "You can't say that! When you say you're a sex master, people expect you to be talking about sex with women! You can't say you masturbate! That's what people who can't get sex do!" But I've had lots of sex with women. Lots, and lots of amazing sex with women. I've had sex that's made my partner's cry with pleasure and happiness and love. I've had sex that has made me sob with it's intensity and sex that has made me laugh with surprise that my body can give me so much pleasure. I've put in many hours, as I said. And what I've learned is this: The better I can learn my own body; the better I know my own pathways to pleasure, know what I like, what I love, and how much I can stand; the better I can communicate that to my partner; the better I am at sex.
That's all ego too, of course. Better at sex? According to who? What are the criteria? What does better mean anyway? Who says? Which is what my ego says when it want's me to shut up and not reveal information that might prove embarrassing or make me look bad. A really good argument about why I'm better at sex than anybody else will make me look good, so, of course I'm going to make myself look as good as I can. My criteria? What makes sense. What seems to be really true. What I believe myself when I'm identified with a self who does believing. What's funny, is that I know that what matters to me is different from what convinces most other people. My ego tells me so. It says that telling the truth is more than most people can hear and still like you. Obviously, the most important thing is to make people like you. You can't make people like you; you can only be yourself and accept whether they like you or not. Except that that's ridiculous because how you behave, and what you say, and how you present yourself all clearly have an impact on whether or not others like you. Well, fuck you, because this is for me. Except it's not really for me or I wouldn't bother writing it down. It's for you if you're reading this and you get me. It's because I'd rather communicate with someone who gets me that refrain from alienating everyone who doesn't. (What bullshit. Who wouldn't be with you now? The act of reading places one in a position to feel extreme empathy for the voice of the author?) Like you've never been irritated by an author. (Ok, I have. But it's still harder.) Whatever; I'm a sex master because I've spent so much time masturbating that I know my own sexual pathways better than most people ever learn them.
I know what I like; for me that's not much of a problem- I like alot. (You don't like animal noises) I never said I like everything. Anyway, more importantly, I also know when I'm getting close to my limit of pleasure. I know when I'm going to ejaculate. I can tell before it happens and I know how to pay attention to it, so whether or not to ejaculate is always a choice. It's not something that happens to me. It's something I decide I'm ready for. If I'm not ready for it I back off, or I tell my partner to back off, so that I don't ejaculate too soon.
Now, I like to ride pleasure fast and hard, so for me the first point of ejaculation avoidance is embarrassingly soon after things first become sexual. Within a minute or three of receiving genital stimulation of any kind, I'm usually at my first ejaculation possibility. Very rarely, I don't notice it coming and I ejaculate right then. If I'm masturbating or having sex with a partner that I love and trust completely: this is a funny occurrence...like banging your head on something or tripping, or hitting your elbow. It's not without a certain discomfort, but it's kind of funny that you messed up at something you're usually so automatically competent at (like walking); yes, like walking.
It's very rare that I don't notice an ejaculation point coming though, especially the first one. When masturbating, this is the first point at which I have to back off from touching myself in a way that gives me the most physical pleasure. With a partner, this is the first point at which I have to indicate (by squeezing or grunting or breathing with an experienced lover, by saying "slow down" or "hold still" with a new or unintuitive one) that i need less genital stimulation. It used to be that with a lover I' was still trying to impress, I'd be too embarrassed to communicate that I got close so soon and I'd miss my chance to back off. Since then I've leaned that it's more embarrassing and less fun for everyone if ejaculate right then than if I just bite the bullet and tell the truth. Most women seem to love that. I've witnessed impatience once or twice, but almost every woman I've ever been with has been excited by finding out that I was feeling so good so soon. The best lovers know that my ability and willingness to communicate means we're going to have a really good time.
more to follow...
Now my ego tells a different story: "You can't say that! When you say you're a sex master, people expect you to be talking about sex with women! You can't say you masturbate! That's what people who can't get sex do!" But I've had lots of sex with women. Lots, and lots of amazing sex with women. I've had sex that's made my partner's cry with pleasure and happiness and love. I've had sex that has made me sob with it's intensity and sex that has made me laugh with surprise that my body can give me so much pleasure. I've put in many hours, as I said. And what I've learned is this: The better I can learn my own body; the better I know my own pathways to pleasure, know what I like, what I love, and how much I can stand; the better I can communicate that to my partner; the better I am at sex.
That's all ego too, of course. Better at sex? According to who? What are the criteria? What does better mean anyway? Who says? Which is what my ego says when it want's me to shut up and not reveal information that might prove embarrassing or make me look bad. A really good argument about why I'm better at sex than anybody else will make me look good, so, of course I'm going to make myself look as good as I can. My criteria? What makes sense. What seems to be really true. What I believe myself when I'm identified with a self who does believing. What's funny, is that I know that what matters to me is different from what convinces most other people. My ego tells me so. It says that telling the truth is more than most people can hear and still like you. Obviously, the most important thing is to make people like you. You can't make people like you; you can only be yourself and accept whether they like you or not. Except that that's ridiculous because how you behave, and what you say, and how you present yourself all clearly have an impact on whether or not others like you. Well, fuck you, because this is for me. Except it's not really for me or I wouldn't bother writing it down. It's for you if you're reading this and you get me. It's because I'd rather communicate with someone who gets me that refrain from alienating everyone who doesn't. (What bullshit. Who wouldn't be with you now? The act of reading places one in a position to feel extreme empathy for the voice of the author?) Like you've never been irritated by an author. (Ok, I have. But it's still harder.) Whatever; I'm a sex master because I've spent so much time masturbating that I know my own sexual pathways better than most people ever learn them.
I know what I like; for me that's not much of a problem- I like alot. (You don't like animal noises) I never said I like everything. Anyway, more importantly, I also know when I'm getting close to my limit of pleasure. I know when I'm going to ejaculate. I can tell before it happens and I know how to pay attention to it, so whether or not to ejaculate is always a choice. It's not something that happens to me. It's something I decide I'm ready for. If I'm not ready for it I back off, or I tell my partner to back off, so that I don't ejaculate too soon.
Now, I like to ride pleasure fast and hard, so for me the first point of ejaculation avoidance is embarrassingly soon after things first become sexual. Within a minute or three of receiving genital stimulation of any kind, I'm usually at my first ejaculation possibility. Very rarely, I don't notice it coming and I ejaculate right then. If I'm masturbating or having sex with a partner that I love and trust completely: this is a funny occurrence...like banging your head on something or tripping, or hitting your elbow. It's not without a certain discomfort, but it's kind of funny that you messed up at something you're usually so automatically competent at (like walking); yes, like walking.
It's very rare that I don't notice an ejaculation point coming though, especially the first one. When masturbating, this is the first point at which I have to back off from touching myself in a way that gives me the most physical pleasure. With a partner, this is the first point at which I have to indicate (by squeezing or grunting or breathing with an experienced lover, by saying "slow down" or "hold still" with a new or unintuitive one) that i need less genital stimulation. It used to be that with a lover I' was still trying to impress, I'd be too embarrassed to communicate that I got close so soon and I'd miss my chance to back off. Since then I've leaned that it's more embarrassing and less fun for everyone if ejaculate right then than if I just bite the bullet and tell the truth. Most women seem to love that. I've witnessed impatience once or twice, but almost every woman I've ever been with has been excited by finding out that I was feeling so good so soon. The best lovers know that my ability and willingness to communicate means we're going to have a really good time.
more to follow...
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