Like the moment I realized I'd worn a groove in my front tooth from biting my fingernails, these small denials of my own needs have accumulated in my life and now I am staring in shock at the damage I have done to what I thought was stable, solid, and resilient. I have done this before. I was heartbroken and betrayed when Debbie left me, at least until my life started to get better with my increased freedom and I realized that I was better off without all those small compromises even at the cost of being alone. Now again, here I am again, the dream of my romantic relationship shattered, nothing much really, though it has the weight of the world. Just a dream, just a way of seeing things, a way of holding things, a thought pattern. Nothing real has broken.

How to put as much energy into the act of living as possible.

Discover your goals. You may not think you have goals, but everyone has goals. If you do not have a concrete plan for your life you can make very little happen. Think about what you have been telling yourself is a possible future and write it down. Write them all down. Evaluate and choose the best one. Until you think of something better, this is your plan and you should take at least one step toward fulfillment of your plan every day. This is how you make things happen. You make a conscious effort toward accomplishing something you think you want. Nevermind that you won’t want it anymore once you get it. The fun is in figuring out how to get there and trying to realize it. If you don’t have the right plan, you’ll know it because you won’t be having fun. The best way to realize that you have an unfun plan is to go on trying to accomplish something toward it every day until you find a new plan to replace it with. Possible plan inducing questions…

1. Improve finances?
2. Improve your relationships?
3. Increase quality time?

Each of these questions has a corresponding addiction, but that doesn’t mean the questions should be avoided. On the contrary, the addictions exist because these things really are important or fun or life improving to a certain extent. It is an experience of lack, an experience of having not had enough of something that creates the psychological addiction.

So what’s my lifegoal for right now?

Find an enjoyable way to increase my income to at least $1200 per month, clear.

Best prospect so far: become a teacher. Might not deliver on the “enjoyable” in which case I’ll have to abandon it since that’s a core part of my goal. But then again, I might really like teaching. It might give me a sense of larger purpose and help me to feel connected to a community. I might like knowing so many young people and having their influence on my life. The time commitments might be heavier than I’m used to, but the salary is much more than I need, which is an added bonus. If I can stick it out for two years I should be able to save up $20,000 or so not to mention the equity I will have built into the house we’re buying.

Next Step in Current Plan: Interview is on May 9^th at 9am. This requires transportation arriving in New Orleans no later than the 8^th. I can arrange this transportation tomorrow.

Step I Took Today: Took a returned call from Karen Ollendike to reschedule interview for the 9^th. Arranged housing plan in New Orleans with Keli and Hany.